I'm still here and I'm venting...

We are going on forty-three days taking care of Candy. It has been a challenge. Sometimes this feels like a life sentence and I don't like myself for being so selfish. I honestly don't see an end to this. She can't remember what day of the week it is or conversations we have already had. She can't take care of herself. She has lots of accidents and spills things on my furniture and carpet. Four times, I have ask her not to take cran-grape juice to her bedroom and four times she has spilled it on the carpet and the bed.

She is in a lot of pain from her back. She moans and groans so much that I am about to loose it. I finally told her that making all that noise doesn't help her feel any better. Is she the only one in pain? I think not, but I don't complain about my pain.

We've lost all privacy. No more quite times in our home. Constant chattering. She talks incessantly to us, our cats, the dog and her cat. While I feel like she is the selfish one and not me, I'm sure I am the selfish one. My patience is limited. I am stuck in a place that I don't like to be and I see no end in sight. I am constantly apologizing for my bad behavior. I don't want to be this person, but sadly I am. We (Hubs and I ) live a solitary life without much drama or chaos. I know I'm going to miss this when she is gone?

The plans for her future are long and drawn out. She is a hoarder. In the last twenty years, I have helped her purge and clean her home so many times that I can't even remember. I'm just the opposite. Clutter makes me crazy. One of the differences Candy pointed out between us. According to her, I am OCD and super organized, while she says she is a free spirit and unorganized. There may be some truth to this. Sadly, I know this will take months for us to clean up her home. I am dreading it.

She acts like a four old with no breakers on her impulsiveness. If she wants it she gets it. She tells me that she is a grown woman, and I tell her to act like it then. I feel that her life style has put her in this situation. How's that working for you, sis? Sadly, I'm afraid that she will not make the changes she needs to make. Only time will tell.

I am sure that I drive her crazy as well. I am thankful I'm able to care for her, but inside I am feeling some resentment. Good grief! Why am I acting this way? Her comments painfully remind me of our childhood. I feel that she thinks she is superior to me. I feel that I have out grown her shadow. She is trying to put me back in that shadow. Folks...I'm not going back there. Do older sisters do that to the younger sister?

Sister has other problems and I feel small for complaing. We go to the doctor Feb. 1st. I hope to get some answers to my questions. So many things I don't understand about her bi-polar illness. What is causing the memory loss? I wonder if that has a lot to do with it? Well...there I've finished my rant. I hope today will be better. Please excuse me today as I have had it.

I'm still here..

Just a note to say hi and to let you know that I am still here. It has been over a month now that Candy had her heart attack and her first stent. Two weeks since her second stent and getting out of the hospital. I'm not sure what she should be able to do as far as exercise or physical activity.

Yesterday, we went to Michael's and Target. She slowly walked behind her cart. I can't get her to do any exercise at home so the next best thing is to go shopping. I curled her hair, she put on make up, and looked very nice. I know that made her feel better. I told her that if she became tired I would take her back to my home. We had a good time.

I think she over did it, but today she can rest. Most heart attacks patients are up and doing physical therapy immediately. I am worried because she is tired and stays in bed a lot. To give her a change, we are making wreaths right now. Everyday I try to let her do a little more on her on. I am worried about her memory because she can't remember anything. She keeps forgetting where she has placed her phone and medicines.

Any advice from you would be helpful. Candy returns to the doctor Feb. 1st. for her check up. I have a list of questions to ask. I thought we had everything lined out before her last visit to the doctor. I think she is so afraid she will have another attack. Her fear maybe what is holding her back. Please keep her in your prayers and send good thoughts her way.

Candy

New Year's, Day early in the am,we called an ambulance for my sister and we spent the next 6 1/2 hours in the E.R. She was admitted that afternoon after a room was available. The doctors did another stent on her the next day and she went home the day after. Technology is amazing.

She looks and feels great. She has to rest for the next four days and then little by little get to moving. I was stressed out completely. I have another sinus infection. Now I know why I felt so bad.

I can't thank God enough for saving her life and of course those amazing doctors.
Maybe my life will settle down for a while.

My sister...

I don't have much time to post because my sister, Candy, is back in the hospital. Yesterday morning she woke up with pain going down her right arm, chest pain, and was nauseous. Not the way I like to start my day. Candy is doing too much and needs to rest more.

We live deep in the country. GPS can't locate us. People usually meet the ambulance at a local truck stop. Luckily, the ambulance came to our home. I am not good in any emergency. I guess a lot of this has to do with all the trauma in my childhood with my mother and her heart attack problems.

I feel dizzy and lightheaded while trying to find the phone numbers. I give Candy a whole aspirin. The medics say to give her another aspirin and she needs to chew it up immediately. All I can do is to start praying for her and for myself as well. I have to keep it together. Do you know how much energy it takes to keep it together? It takes about an hour to get her to the hospital. I don't know why the type has changed on me. I press the italics button, but nothing changes. I am not even sure if I am making sense today. Did you ever read the book "Waiting For Godot"? It is all about waiting, but I find I'm not as good at waiting as I thought. You see last week I had two crowns done. Since then, my teeth and jaw have hurt with a lot of pain and throbbing. I can't think of anything but this awful tooth pain.

I leave her about three in the afternoon because the doctors are keeping her. Today she will find out if they are doing the other two stents or not. Candy wants them done now. I'm not sure what they doctors will do. I'll let you know more when I find out. I am exhausted from all of the drama that has gone on with her DIL and her heart attack and now admission again to the hospital. I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers.

On another note, I did apologize to Candy's daughter n law. I could not leave things the way they were. I did that four days ago. It made me feel so much better. I have not heard from her DIL. It doesn't matter because I made the first step and I feel OK with it. I'm still trying to breath and keep it all together, but those memories of my mother keep getting in my way.

I'll keep you posted when I know more.