It's my birthday

 

Happy Birthday to me.

About me...

As you all know by now,  I'm having a bit of a time with all of the stress of my sister and my Hubs retiring due to a layoff.  You have followed me through a heart attack scare, a stress test, diverticulitis, not sleeping, unbearable pain,  just to name a few of the things I've been dealing with.  The worst symptom is feeling like I am going to loose it and have a panic attack. This has been going on for 2 1/2 months.  I felt like I couldn't breath, swallow, relax. Nothing taste right, I felt nauseous, and a lot of other symptoms.  I have been a mess.

I've had little results from my family doctor, he doesn't think I am depressed even though I think I am, and have told him so, he refuses to change my medicine.  It finally occurred to me that I am in charge of my own well being.  I don't have to stay with a doctor that won't listen to me or try to help.

This change all started with how lonely I am most days.  I am a very social person.  I decided to join  my garden club in my former town.  I've been going for two months and it was one of the best things I have done for myself. I really missed all of my friends and they missed me.  I have returned to church, which feels good. 

I can finally see again because I got new glasses.  I have been so worried about insurance. We purchased one insurance only to find that it was not what it represented, so we cancelled.  Then we tried Cobra, all sounds good until they want three months of  of back premiums.  Good grief, insurance is such a ripoff.  Needless to say we cancelled Cobra.  Back to the search for reasonable insurance.  Of course Diabetes is not covered. Neither are most of my illnesses due to a pre-exhisting conditions.  Thankfully, our local pharmacy gives us a reasonable price for our meds.  The PA's visit is also reasonable. 

I am so tired of the medical system ripping me off.  I can't believe how much specialists charge.  Today, I went back to our local clinic and saw a new PA, Carson.  She sat and listened to me for a long time.  After explaining all that I had been through, she changed some medicines and added celexa back.  We had a good talk about everything.  I won't go into all of the details, but she listened to me.  She understands my situation with insurance. Hubs goes on Medicare next February, but I have a couple of years til I qualify. 

So for the first time in a while, I feel hopeful.  I have to tell you that it is a good feeling.

Life is an ironic

When I was younger, and we still had kids at home, it seemed like there was never enough time for myself and especially time to do the things I wanted to do.  Things I always imagined myself doing after I slowed down a bit or after I retired.  I have often said I want to paint again at least something besides an interior wall. The irony of life is when you are busy all the time, you have great ideas, but no time and when you have the time, you have no ideas. In my case, I have the time, but I've lost the desire to finally do the things I always wanted to do like painting and being creative.  I sure hope I get it all back before life passes me by.  I'm working on it.  Trying desperately to get motivated again.

I think every time I get sick it brings me down. So my question to you...is what do you do to keep motivated?  The best advice I can give anyone is do the things you love when you are young.  Make the time for those dreams, the things that you are passionate about doing.  Don't wait.

I have a hard time sitting still for a long period of time.  One of the reasons I never learned to crochet is because I can't be still long enough.  Remember those cute little felt stockings with all the sequins?  I did one stocking for every member of our oldest son's family.  I even helped my best friend out by finishing one of her grand kid's stocking.  That was about five years ago when I was still busy with work and life.  Fast forward to now.  So instead of oil painting or water colors, I am doing a stocking for our youngest son.  He is a fireman and soon to be para medic.  I found the cutest fireman Santa with a Dalmatian dog on it.  He is not married yet, so I'll just start one or two for his future. I do enjoy having something quick to do especially in the winter months.  Maybe that is a start.

Retirement is not at all what I thought it would be.  In fact, some days are so long. I run out of things to clean, organize and do before the day is even over.  I have always been so busy all of my life with my family, work, church, friends and home that I never imagined a day where I would have all the time to do what I wanted. It is daunting to get up and do the same thing over and over again.  I mean...how many times can you clean house, then there's the days when I don't feel good and get very little down.  I think I have to constantly achieve something everyday in order to be successful.

Do you ever feel that way?  Maybe it's just me being too hard on myself.  Still, I thought I would ask the question. For those of you that are retired, how did you slow down? I'm feeling a bit lost with too much time on my hand.  My darling Hubs is always working on a project.  He seems so content.  He is productive.  Looking back, I see that I always gave everything I had to everyone else,but myself.  I am going to start working on it again and again until I achieve something I want to do for myself.

Waiting to exhale

Thankfully, I passed my stress test.  Hubs passed his also.  I can't believe how much stress had built up on my shoulders and I didn't even know it.  I continually see so many blessings in my life.  Blessings that I'm sure I don't deserve, but thankful that God thinks I am worthy. 

In this journey of life, I have made many transitions to adapt and adjust to the hand I was dealt. I will be forever grateful that God sees more in me than I see...as only a parent would. God's love endures forever. 

While running my errands yesterday, I pulled off the road for a funeral procession to pass.  I was so touched by the respect of the drivers. In fact, this simple act of kindness always stirs emotion in me.  Sort of a mini pause to show respect for a total stranger.  A stranger who's life has come to an end. A brief moment of  respect for someone I didn't know.  Of course it brings back memories of funerals of loved ones passed. They were given that moment of respect, too.  How awesome is that? Life would be so much grander if we all showed that very same gesture for our fellow man?

For no reason, I shed a tear for this person. I hope he/she lived a life filled with love and great joy. That's when it occurred to me.  Am I living my life in full measure and abundance of blessings.  Do I always remember those blessings?  I know the answer to the question before the words leave my lips.  A big resounding "No!"  Why have I let stress still my joy?  And the big question...Am I doing something worthwhile with my life?  Not if I let stress continue to keep a foot hole in my daily space. 

I'm sick to see how worry and stress have taken a foot hold in my life. It's time I started remembering myself.  Maybe doing something for the shear joy of it.  Life gets in my way of living joyfully.  I hope with all of the recent events that have happened that I won't take anything for granted.

I hope you have a good weekend. As for me...I am going to take a deep breath and exhale.

My sister, Candy

What do you do when someone always disappoints you?  My sister has been given so many chances in her life to start over.  She seems to have nine lives like a cat and right now she has used up about six of those lives.  My latest sadness is that she started smoking again.  I know how hard it is to stop as I once was a smoker, but I did quit on my own.  She know how bad it is for her health.  She had two heart attacks last December and on New year's day of this year.  I just don't get it.  There is nothing I want more for her than to be well.  I can't want it for her.  I know she has to desire it for herself. 

How many times can I keep helping her?  You have no idea how much we have helped her.  Honestly, it is hard to keep helping her when she doesn't respond to the help.  I hate to say it but I don't think she will ever get better, and that makes me very sad.  I kind of feel used up.  I know a lot of it has to do with her bi-polar illness.  I am praying that her current meds help her.  So far not so good.

Two weeks ago, we went to the hospital for her appointment with her Psychiatrist.  Candy has already missed an appointment previously.  She left her paper work at her house.  She was sure it was on the seventeenth.  It was instead on the previous day. The doctor could not work her in and the receptionist told her to go to the ER to get her medicine refilled. This was not a good decision.  The ER doctor told her if she wanted her medicine for her bi-polar that she would have to admit to the psyche ward for 72 hours.  She was admitted to the third floor first and later moved to the tenth floor.  The new medicine kept her from sleeping for the whole month, so she was pretty confused. No wonder, they thought she needed to be admitted.  I could not find where she was in the hospital for twenty-four hours.  When I left the hospital that night she was still in the ER. Of course they take her cell phone and wallet. She is not doing well. I can only talk with her on the patient phone.  Too many people for one phone.  No one knows her, one man hung up on me, another kept asking me who I was calling for, but then he never went to get her to the phone.  I called about twenty times that day.  All I would get was a busy signal or some strange patient.  You can see why I'm frustrated.

By the time the fourth night came, Candy was feeling very sick. She thought she was having another heart attack.  The nurses won't do anything but take her blood pressure.  They think she is making this up?  I won't go into the atrocious behavior of the tenth floor, but I will say this.  They could not find her heart rate or blood pressure.  Several people tried until they called in a crash team from the medical ICU.  Once again, she was moved to another floor.  She was passing blood and they started giving her blood.  She  received three units.  They still don't know what is wrong with her.  I find out what floor she is on and go to see her.  By the time I get there, she is moved again to another floor for an endoscopy.  I waited in the waiting room for procedures, but no one ever comes out to tell me what is wrong with her. 

It is not until the next day that she sees a doctor.  I guess life saving is more important than communication with the family.  Honestly, no one would commit to saying anything about her. It is a great teaching hospital, but this was one very bad stay for her.  Turns out she has multiple ulcers from taking Alieve and aspirin for her pain.  Sister was released a week later from the hospital.  She spent a week with me and left today to go back to her home.

Many of you know that our mother had a mental illness.  She was never diagnosed, but I am pretty sure she was bi-polar.  So much of my childhood involved many trips to the ER and to the tenth floor.  Moma spent time in several mental hospitals over the years.  All of this with my sister has really brought back some horrible memories.  Please forgive me, but I can't talk about this any more.  So I will close for now.  Just continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

I'm never really alone

Bruno, my silly cat, thinks he is helping me. Right, Bruno? Cat you know I love you?

You know my motto about being sick. It takes three days to get, three days to have it and three days to get over. That is just what I've been doing. I got sick Thanksgiving night with what I thought was allergies. Then the sore throat, stuffy head and drip, drip, drip down the back of my throat. I hate being sick. I took it easy on Friday, Sat, Sunday and even Monday or at least until the sore throat went away. I started back to exercise on Wed. It wasn't too bad, but the next day I think I was worse.

Trust me on this...

Don't take the one on the left.

Coughing and coughing and I couldn't sleep with all of that coughing. Friday I buy some diabetic tussin which is sugar free and alcohol free and a bottle of Delsym night time relief, which my wonderful SIL recommended.

A word of warning...never take the Diabetic Tussin because that stuff was the nastiest stuff I have ever taken. It took my breath away. It reminded me of the medicine my grandmother use to give us as children. I'm not sure why it tasted so strong or bad.

Thankfully, I had purchased Delsym, too.
If I'm not completely well, I have a well check with my family doctor on Tuesday.

Please don't talk about the weather

Remember the good old days where small talk revolved around talking about the weather? Or talking about fishing? There's not enough water in the lakes to fish. No rain in weeks and we are having a HEAT WAVE. Since this non ending heat spell has stayed over the central states, no one including myself even wants to talk about the weather anymore. Today's high is 108 degrees. It is grating on my nerves. Everywhere you go it is HOT. There is no place to go to escape it. Even the stores are hot. Argh!

What are you doing to stay cool?

I go to exercise three times a week and I can hardly breath when I finish. Add the heat...no one is happy. Our yard is dried up except for the areas in the front and back close to the house where Hubs waters. He get up at the crack of dawn, goes out and waters before he goes to work. Remember? He planted a lot of trees last Spring and he's doing his best to keep them alive.

Last week I worked at the flower shop. I looked forward to going to work. Guess what? It was hot there too. The day before my boss' mother and I traveled two hours to go to a silk wholesaler. And, YES, it was not air conditioned. Thought I was gonna die. I designed five new pieces for a beautiful old church in town. That took me about five hours.

I worked the next week as well. Processed flowers on Monday, designed arrangements for the cooler and did the days orders as well as the ones for tomorrow. You know it's a sad day when my mind co-operates and my body won't. I have been in some sort of flair. I hurt especially from all of the standing. Add in a lot of heat and I am not too happy. It has taken me most of the week to recover from standing. I only thought I was in good shape until I went to work. Argh! Again.

I have to say that I was able to do more than I thought I could do. I went to exercise, then had a little lunch, then off to work. I laid off today and gave myself a break because when I woke up this morning my arm hurt so bad that I could barely lift it. I'm laying low right now.

RAIN FINALLY...

While some of you have received too much rain and flooding waters from the recent hurricane, we have not received any. Right now Texas is about 17 inches below our annual rainfall. We beat the records for the number of days over a hundred degrees. In fact before this rain, we were at day 59 of temperatures over 100 degrees. It has been horrible.

While I sympathize with those in the flooded areas, I have to admit I am so very thankful for this rain. We have had forest fires all around us. It looks like this week our temps will be below or at 90 degrees. And that puts me in a much better mood.

I hope all of you are with standing the weather no matter what you may have to deal with right now.

This year I think Pam should...

OK, folks...I am giving you a chance to fill in the blanks for me. Are you ready? Here goes...

This year I think Pam should__________________________.

Please take as much space as you need. Please take as much time as you want. Just have fun with what you would like to see me accomplish during this year.

Then I will set my sights on achieving these goals or things you would like to see me do.


It will be fun to see how much I get done in the next year.


Are you ready for some hilarious fun? Go for it. Of course anything too out there I might have to say "I don't think so." Just leave your answer in my comment section. I can't wait to see what you will suggest.

Good bye 2010 and good riddance

Looking back to last year in review it seems that I was busy, but was I busy with things I wanted to do? January, February were uneventful with no entries on my calender. NO ENTRIES? How could that be? I did not have a new calender or else I did not make any entries.

In February, I started back to therapy for my blues that hold me hostage during the Christmas holidays. For the last two years, I have not been able to shake these feelings. I don't like that I am a Grinch. I love the holidays, but I have to tell you that this year nearly choked the life out of me.
Why? I haven't a clue? I can't really pin it down, but I think it has to do with all the hype of the season.

BTW...I am still as confused as ever with this computer. I am beginning to not like some of the prompts it leaves me.

Why can't Christmas be like Easter? Now there is a holiday I can enjoy. No gifts, no large gatherings of family, just a beautiful holiday celebrating the Resurrection. Everything seemed to be a huge effort to do. My tree was never complete. I lost the tree topper angel, the lights went out on the tree, just to name a few of the mishaps this year. I finally just walked away from that stupid tree and gave up. I told myself that next year I am not going through all of this hassle. I can't believe I said that. Hmmmm....we'll see next Christmas. I hope and pray that I have an attitude adjustment by then.

In February, we had Valentine's Day. I barely survived because I was the only designer. I was in disbelief that my little boss did not have more help. We are already talking about my schedule for V.Day. The only endeavor in my life that I always thrive is in my work. I am a die hard work my self to death florist. It is all I have ever known with the exception of running a food pantry for the needy. I don't know how to do any less than my best. I wish I had balance in my life.

Balance, that is one area of my life that I have been trying to improve in. I am an all or nothing kind of woman. It makes me insane, I know it does and yet I continue to live my life like a woman out of control. Some of my finest moments are my worst moments.

March, I injured my knee while leaving work. I stepped down the stairs funny and immediately I was filled with pain. This turned out to be worse than I thought. The doctors wanted to do surgery, I did not want another surgery so I set out on a different route. I started going to a Chiropractor. It has taken months to get better, but at least I am finally there. I still aggravate it every now and then, but at least I avoided surgery. I am immobilised by this injury. I am home bound for three weeks. I have to tell you this is really depressing. Pain and immobility are not my best companions. This is the first time ever that I feel like my body has let me down and I am really worried if this will be permanent. My ramblings enable me. I start to believe that self talk. I am my worst enemy.

By April, I am walking with a cane. Off the crutches and hobbling along. I am still feeling down and out. Come May, I am better. I am looking forward to Spring and getting my patio plants in order. As you can see, my calender is full. I took off from work because I could not stand and design full time. I was ready for a break from work, but I also missed it immensely.

Then the Summer from Hades arrived. This killer humidity and heat. It sucked the life out of me. I am frazzled from it. Hubs grew an incredible garden full of luscious vegetables. Me. I stayed inside. I shelled lots of peas and the meals were really good. I was a recluse in hiding from this over bearing heat. So there went the Summer. Argh! I hate this heat. I know I am melodramatic! What can I say? See why I need therapy?


By now I am ready to move to the North Pole forever because of this stinking heat. I hate it.
Wait...I feel a little cooler weather? No, it is just Fall. No cooling yet. Our weather bounces around from the one hundreds to the sixties. That can sure make me a grumpy woman. Argh! I don't want to be this way, but I am so hot that I dream of loads of snow and cooler weather. This has been the hottest summer ever. Where is Fall?

Alright it is still warm, but not scorching hot like the summer. I have to prepare for Thanksgiving. My boss ask me to come back to work. I am glad, but reluctant. Back to work I go. I don't want to relive the holidays. You know they were bad.
Need I say more?

I found out that I am diabetic. That is not good news. I am so overwhelmed with all of these emotions. I am in denial for a while about it. I am angry with myself. I am not a very happy person. I guess you all know the rest of the story.

In the bad news dept. Carmen our beloved Dobie was diagnosed with breast cancer. That is the worst thing about the whole year. I want to thank you all for the love and support and prayers you have shown Carmen and our family.

On a good note, I did loose 16 pounds. It was a huge struggle. I have thousands of pounds to go or at least it feels like that. This year, I want to continue to get healthy. Be happy once again. Enjoy my life and not feel any guilt for not doing what others want me to do. I think to much. Why don't I just beat my head against the brick wall?

This is Baby, a little orphan cat that we adopted the week before Christmas. Yes, I know...I don't need another critter, but honestly...could you say NO? Of course she has incredible luck in her young life. She was found by my sister's friend. She was clinging to life in a shrub. She did not have her eyes open and the friend took her in and fed her by a dropper. She can't have any more animals because she is in an aptartment and besides the lady has a dog. This little baby has brought lots of laughter to us.

The newer kinder me is scary. The old me was not very tolerant of others. I was impatient and very opinionated, but I had a sense of humor. Or so I thought. I am at odds with the new me. I have learned to stop, think and listen before I speak. I usually just react. Now I am learning a new way to communicate with those I love. I am trying to be aware of others feelings instead of being a bull in a china cabinet. Oh, Lord help me. Nobody said it would be easy, but little did I know it would be such a challenge, too.

In closing, I am wishing all of you a Happy New year full of possibilties. Full of hope, full of life and full of love. I happily say good by to 2010 and welcome the new year 2011.

My New Red Hair

I have tried every which way I can think of to get a picture of my hair by myself. Geez, it is really hard to do when you have short arms. LOL! I took my camera to work today and ask my boss if she would take some pictures.

I don't know why my glasses are turning dark.

I took this one that is why it is so goofy. Oh, wait I am goofy.


Back of hair do

Letting go is never easy

I was thinking the other day, how I have finally let go of my former town that we lived in and raised our children in. Our lives were there. Thirty years of our lives were there. Some how my heart is no longer there and I am finally OK with that. I do not feel connected there any more. Of course my best friends are still there, but I talk with them weekly.

I have made roots in this little town of Panola, and Waskom. It has been a welcomed surprise to wake up and know that it is all good. I am going to this small church and am so thankful that I feel at home there. So it seems that God has worked on me without me even knowing it. I am so grateful. I moved my membership from my former church and joined Bethel U.M.C. I think I made a good choice. The people are mostly older, but I have always enjoyed older folks. There are about 50 people that come on a regular basis, but there are 175 on the roles. The congregation was so very welcoming to me and I really like them all.

Last week I worked a little bit at the shop that I previously worked at before injuring my knee. I enjoyed seeing my friends there. I will work maybe one day a week on an as needed basis. This week I will be making cemetery saddles and then gift baskets for the holidays. It is so difficult for me to stay retired. It gets so monotonous doing the same thing every day. Do you ever feel that way?

It feels like it has taken me forever to plant my feet and start living my new life here. Doc has work and he doesn't really do the things I do. He likes to garden and generally be outside. Men are so different from women. I on the other hand like to volunteer, work part time and meet people. I never meet a stranger. So today, I am feeling extra blessed that I could let go of my former home, friends and church and look forward to the future.


I can't thank you all enough for listening to me these last two years or so. I know that I would not have made it if not for my blogging buddies. You will never know how much your presence has meant to me. I know you will be glad not to hear me whine so much about being unhappy.


It is with great joy that I announce that I have found my JOY again. I hope I don't loose it for a long, long time. I think my therapist will be stunned at the progress I have made in my life.

A good day

Just checking in to say that I have lost 1 and 1/2 pounds this week. I will take that as a sign that I am doing something right. I appreciate all of your comments and support so very much on my last post. Talk about support and friendship...you are all so kind to me. Thank you very much.

My assignment before I return to my work as a floral designer is to negotiate my salary with my former boss. Their sales have dropped since I left due to my knee injury and they ask me to come back to work. It will be very part time.

This is going to be a challenge because while I know I am worth it, I don't know if they can afford me. I tend to just give away my time because it is easier than asking for what I need. I don't mind really because this little job gives me something to do and the benefits are to be around fantastic people to work with.

I know what I can produce in my work and I know that I am good at what I do. I excel at my job and I love it. This is the only area of my life that I have real confidence. It is a gift that God has given me. I have always been able to take nothing and make it into something beautiful whether it be flowers or another man's junk. It becomes my treasure.

Well, that is it for me. Have a wonderful weekend. Much love and peace to all of you.

Working on me

Honestly, I never thought that working on me would be such a hard and difficult subject. Last January, I decided that for the first time in my life I would put myself first and get down to some serious help for myself. It includes my therapist, Sandie, my chiropractor, Dr. kyle and soon to be added to the mix will be my trainer. I will be adding a new doctor to this support team in the next week or two.

I have been lucky enough to have used all of the wonderful people to aid me in overcoming my self. Of course the names are different and not the same people I used before in Kilgore. I however, have never used them all at one time. This is team PAM. I do matter no matter what I tell myself. I am important to someone, no matter what I tell myself. I love me, no matter what I tell myself. I am just not sure that I believe it yet. I am making some head way. Do I believe it?

So today in therapy, I told Sandie that I felt like my life had no direction at this time in my life. I have never been without a plan or goals for my life. You can imagine that would be difficult for me because I need structure and I like goals. Sandie pointed out that maybe the year of me was to be my focus, my plan and my direction. "Oh...I see...mmmmm...well alright." I had not planned on that, but I guess it is time to let me have my own healing of self. My own time of renewal and growth. You see, I am not very comfortable putting myself in this place. It is really hard to work on me, myself and I.

I am a total mess in my life right now. A gal with no plan, except to work on herself? How selfish is that? It makes me feel very uncomfortable. Facing it is an even bigger obstacle. I am working on getting healthy again, getting my numbers down, loosing weight, exercising and letting go of a lot of tragedy from my childhood.

I don't really think anyone except my sister knows how our life was so messed up living with Mary Lou, our mother. Something was not quit right about her. She was determined to never be our mother. Ask us to call her sister and was so vain and selfish. I am the total opposite of her. She never owned up to the things that she did to me. I did forgive her because it was obvious she did not have a clue. Yet...somehow those horrid memories creep up into my soul and manage to still hurt me as if it was the first time she had abused me.

I am no longer blaming my crazy mother. She had an illness an addition to drinking, abusing prescription pills, repeated suicide attempts. It still hurts to know what she did to me and my sister. Being abused, abandoned, wanting to be accepted, yearning for approval and never receiving it and never feeling good enough or worthy.

I found this lovely quote on one of my friend's blog Debra at http://And It Came To Pass
I have know real hunger, and have experienced the other feelings as well. I have to tell you they are all insufferable for a child to endure. It just does something terrible to you that takes a long time to overcome.

~~Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat~~Mother Teresa

Sugar Free

Things have been going well with my chiropractic care for my knee and back. I am reflecting on my care and and what else I need to do to enhance my health. Little baby steps usually works best, but that's not how I operate. I am all or nothing. Hence, the need to select just one thing at a time to give up to improve my health.

I gave up Dr. Pepper and sugar. I have to tell you that was really difficult and I don't want to ever have to do that again. Then, I decided to give up all refined carbs like bread, rice, pizza, all the bad food groups that I love, but they don't love me. I call them my comfort foods.

I am shopping the perimeter of the grocery store because that is where the healthy foods are located. I am buying lots of fruits, veggies, nothing processed and cooking from scratch. Giving up bread was really tough.

I see the vicious cycle of sugar and the havoc that it reeks on my body. I am choosing not to indulge in the bad foods. I gotta tell you it is not easy. Each time I choose not to indulge it reinforces my desire to eat better for my health's sake.

I usually keep loosing the same five pounds over and over only to gain two pounds then loose three. It is an endless cycle. I am finding I am doing better than I thought. In all other areas of my life I have discipline, except food. During a therapy session, I came to the realization of when food became my comforter. I was around eight. It involves some intense moments that are difficult to tell you about. But at that moment, food became my tranquilizer. It was an "A HA" moment. Now that I know when it started, I am aware of it and consciously choose better.

Little baby steps one by one...

I was not overweight as a kid. In fact at 15 years old, I weighed 115 lbs. and my mother told me I was fat. Let's see 5'1'' and 115 lbs. I would not call me fat, but that is the kind of stuff my mother told me over and over. Why did I choose to believe her?

I started my first diet at 15 years of age. The grapefruit diet. Thankfully, I was not a binge eater nor did I hide my food. I used it to comfort me. I have tried every diet in the universe that I have yoyo'd my way to my state of fatness. The RA meds did not help. In fact I gained 50 pounds from the medicine. Two years after my last treatment I am finally ready to get it off.

I will say that I am learning a lot about myself and my actions in therapy. Replacing good actions for the bad ones. My choice, not my mother's choice. The damages my mother did to me were so intense. She exposed us to a lot of horrible stuff. I am determind to be healthy emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Finding Me

Something wonderful is happening to me. I have this sense of peace deep in my heart that I have never felt before. I know this sounds strange, but I can feel someone praying for me. While I have good and bad days, lately, I am feeling tranquil and complete. I feel whole as a person. I am thankful for the good days...very thankful indeed.

I have been devoting time for myself and healing of my spirit. During my prayers the last few nights, I give thanks to God for all the many blessings in my life, but I sense this newness in myself. Today I am thankful for all that completes me. Thankful for two wonderful sons and a precious DIL and my grand children. I absoutley love being a mother to them. I can not think of anything to compare it with.

I pray for so many folks daily, and rarely do I pray for myself. I give all the glory to God and thanksgiving to those that keep me in prayer. I think of the symbol for infinity and know that forever is how long God loves me. The symbol signifys completeness for me and I hope to become all that I can be.

What was I thinking?

It is the middle of the night and I have not fallen to sleep yet. I am on my third day of not sleeping because I thought I could stop taking my medicine for restless leg. I was wrong. I think I have more control over my body and mind so occasionally I will stop taking medicines. I hate taking medicine all the time. I like to try alternative therapy.

I have been going to a chiropractor for my knee and related problems. I have been so excited and in my efforts to attain a better and healthier life, I decided to go off my hormone replacement therapy. Maybe this was not a good idea? Or maybe quitting Dr. Pepper was the problem? Next I stopped my meds for my Restless Leg Syndrome.

What am I thinking? Tonight, or should I say this morning, I am not sure what I was thinking. I tend to be so intentional with my actions that often I regret those decisions. I tell myself I am stronger than the medicine. We will see?

Star Light, Star Bright...

How many times as a child did I look at the evening sky and say those magical words...

"Star light, star bright,

First star I see tonight.

I wish I may I wish I might

Have this wish I wish tonight."

My wishes never came true.

But I can still dream.

Click on the photo to see all the picture. It is just awesome.

A Time of Reflection

I have been thinking about missed opportunities as of late. Each day goes by so swiftly that before I know it the week is over and then another month has escaped me and I ask myself "Where did this month go?" I began to take note of what I had been doing with my time only to find out that I did very little with my time to consider it well used.


There are so many things left that I want to do and I find myself falling way short on accomplishing them. I am guessing you know what I do with some of my time? BLOGGING...I spend too much time reading blogs. Some days I spend a couple of hours reading them and drinking my morning coffee. My writing has been slow to come and I don't feel like I have much to say right now. My writing comes and goes. Some times my thoughts are too personal to even write them.


During this time of reflection, I find that while I enjoy my blog friends greatly, a lot of things go undone and I spend a lot of time playing catch up. I work part time as a floral designer and it goes with out saying that this week is a very busy time for me. I love working as much as I enjoy blogging. So that is the second most time consuming thing I do. What about the rest of the day you might ask? You know it takes a lot of time to swallow medicine and vitamins. I do that twice a day. I have tea in the afternoon around three. Ironing takes up some time too.

I spend a lot of time taking care of my pets. In and out they go ten times a day. I have to go and find them if they don't come back. This takes time away, but I love my pets so I don't consider it a bad thing. I spend a lot of time driving to the next town for groceries. It took three hours the last time I went. That is something I could do with a lot less. I drive every two weeks for an hour to my acupuncturist. This in one thing that I can not do with out. Dr. Randy helps manage my pain from RA. Wham...there goes another day.

You know if I had stayed on that diet I keep starting, I would have lost a lot of weight by now.Some days I exercise, but not for as long as I should. I seem to be a little ADD. Life distracts me in a good way. I can't stand the way I keep blowing it off by my so called busy life. Ha! Why is it that I am a lot less productive in the winter months? I spend very little time on the phone, but I do spend time scrap booking and on photography. I spend a lot of time washing clothes. Why? I don't know how two people can have so much laundry, but we do.

I spend two hours a week in church and sunday school. Yes, I did finally find a church to attend. I spend two hours a month getting my hair done. I watch some TV at night like Lost and NCIS. I change the litter box that doesn't take too long. I feed the cats food and water seems like everyday because the dog eats their food. I do a little house work. And yet some how nothing ever really gets done or when it is done, it doesn't stay done for very long.

I guess I ponder things a lot and wonder about how things work. Maybe, I just think too much. When I don't feel good I spend time in my Hubs chair with the heating pad. When my sister is here we do things together. I have not given a very good accouting of my time.

Maybe I move slower than I use to move. Maybe, I am not as motivated as I once was. I want to start volunteering at place in town that feeds the hungry folks and senior citizens. I am going to have to put it in higher gear if I am going to get anything done. Why do I get so much more done in the Spring and Summer? Hmmmm...I'll think about this some more and will have to get back to you on it later. OK, I have rambled on enough. Ya'll take care now.

And it's winter before we know it....

And it's winter before we know it.... This came to me via email and it sure says it all.
You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went.
I know that I lived them all...

And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams... But, here it is. the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise... How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my babies go? And where did my youth go? I remember well.. seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like... But, here it is...my friends are retired and really getting gray...they move slower and I see an older person now. Lots are in better shape than me... but, I see the great change... Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant... but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore...it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will..I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over...it’s over....Yes , I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done ,,,,,things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done.

It's all in a lifetime....So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!!Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!

You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for good today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!"Life is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.

Make it a fantastic one." LIVE IT WELL!!----ENJOY TODAY!!!!-----DO SOMETHING FUN!!!----BE HAPPY!!!----BE THANKFUL!!!!! ----LOOK GOD RIGHT IN THE FACE AND GIVE HIM ALL THE GLORY AND PRAISE…

One year milestone...

Yesterday, I was on a day trip to another town for my accupuncture and then to the vet for Carmen. Something was in the back of my mind tho I did not know what it was until today.

I did not realize that it was my one year blogversary.

It came and went too fast

After 229 post, I am still here

I would like to say how much everyone that comes to my blog has enriched my life.

So this is for you my dear friends.

Thank you for the encouragement

Thank you for the friendship

Thank you for the love and hugs

Thank you for letting me be me

Thank you for listening to my journey about finding me

Thank you for teaching me so many new things

Hugs to everyone!

Pam