Working on me

Honestly, I never thought that working on me would be such a hard and difficult subject. Last January, I decided that for the first time in my life I would put myself first and get down to some serious help for myself. It includes my therapist, Sandie, my chiropractor, Dr. kyle and soon to be added to the mix will be my trainer. I will be adding a new doctor to this support team in the next week or two.

I have been lucky enough to have used all of the wonderful people to aid me in overcoming my self. Of course the names are different and not the same people I used before in Kilgore. I however, have never used them all at one time. This is team PAM. I do matter no matter what I tell myself. I am important to someone, no matter what I tell myself. I love me, no matter what I tell myself. I am just not sure that I believe it yet. I am making some head way. Do I believe it?

So today in therapy, I told Sandie that I felt like my life had no direction at this time in my life. I have never been without a plan or goals for my life. You can imagine that would be difficult for me because I need structure and I like goals. Sandie pointed out that maybe the year of me was to be my focus, my plan and my direction. "Oh...I see...mmmmm...well alright." I had not planned on that, but I guess it is time to let me have my own healing of self. My own time of renewal and growth. You see, I am not very comfortable putting myself in this place. It is really hard to work on me, myself and I.

I am a total mess in my life right now. A gal with no plan, except to work on herself? How selfish is that? It makes me feel very uncomfortable. Facing it is an even bigger obstacle. I am working on getting healthy again, getting my numbers down, loosing weight, exercising and letting go of a lot of tragedy from my childhood.

I don't really think anyone except my sister knows how our life was so messed up living with Mary Lou, our mother. Something was not quit right about her. She was determined to never be our mother. Ask us to call her sister and was so vain and selfish. I am the total opposite of her. She never owned up to the things that she did to me. I did forgive her because it was obvious she did not have a clue. Yet...somehow those horrid memories creep up into my soul and manage to still hurt me as if it was the first time she had abused me.

I am no longer blaming my crazy mother. She had an illness an addition to drinking, abusing prescription pills, repeated suicide attempts. It still hurts to know what she did to me and my sister. Being abused, abandoned, wanting to be accepted, yearning for approval and never receiving it and never feeling good enough or worthy.

I found this lovely quote on one of my friend's blog Debra at http://And It Came To Pass
I have know real hunger, and have experienced the other feelings as well. I have to tell you they are all insufferable for a child to endure. It just does something terrible to you that takes a long time to overcome.

~~Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat~~Mother Teresa