Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Working on me

Honestly, I never thought that working on me would be such a hard and difficult subject. Last January, I decided that for the first time in my life I would put myself first and get down to some serious help for myself. It includes my therapist, Sandie, my chiropractor, Dr. kyle and soon to be added to the mix will be my trainer. I will be adding a new doctor to this support team in the next week or two.

I have been lucky enough to have used all of the wonderful people to aid me in overcoming my self. Of course the names are different and not the same people I used before in Kilgore. I however, have never used them all at one time. This is team PAM. I do matter no matter what I tell myself. I am important to someone, no matter what I tell myself. I love me, no matter what I tell myself. I am just not sure that I believe it yet. I am making some head way. Do I believe it?

So today in therapy, I told Sandie that I felt like my life had no direction at this time in my life. I have never been without a plan or goals for my life. You can imagine that would be difficult for me because I need structure and I like goals. Sandie pointed out that maybe the year of me was to be my focus, my plan and my direction. "Oh...I see...mmmmm...well alright." I had not planned on that, but I guess it is time to let me have my own healing of self. My own time of renewal and growth. You see, I am not very comfortable putting myself in this place. It is really hard to work on me, myself and I.

I am a total mess in my life right now. A gal with no plan, except to work on herself? How selfish is that? It makes me feel very uncomfortable. Facing it is an even bigger obstacle. I am working on getting healthy again, getting my numbers down, loosing weight, exercising and letting go of a lot of tragedy from my childhood.

I don't really think anyone except my sister knows how our life was so messed up living with Mary Lou, our mother. Something was not quit right about her. She was determined to never be our mother. Ask us to call her sister and was so vain and selfish. I am the total opposite of her. She never owned up to the things that she did to me. I did forgive her because it was obvious she did not have a clue. Yet...somehow those horrid memories creep up into my soul and manage to still hurt me as if it was the first time she had abused me.

I am no longer blaming my crazy mother. She had an illness an addition to drinking, abusing prescription pills, repeated suicide attempts. It still hurts to know what she did to me and my sister. Being abused, abandoned, wanting to be accepted, yearning for approval and never receiving it and never feeling good enough or worthy.

I found this lovely quote on one of my friend's blog Debra at http://And It Came To Pass
I have know real hunger, and have experienced the other feelings as well. I have to tell you they are all insufferable for a child to endure. It just does something terrible to you that takes a long time to overcome.

~~Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat~~Mother Teresa


GunDiva said...

It is hard to work on yourself, but try to enjoy it. Let go of the guilt and have fun with it :)

Debra said...

God bless you my friend, and thanks for the heads up in your post.

We do have much in common. I don't really understand why, but seems like when it is the mother who is the alcoholic/drug addict and the mother who does the neglecting of her children, it seems a much greater offense than when it is the father.

There is something about the absence of a mothers love and nuturing, that if not present, seems to leave such a huge void in the lives of their children that can carry over to adulthood.

I think you have determined a very good goal and plan. Sometimes we have to help ourselves if we are ever to be able to help someone else. So it is a good goal and an unselfish one as well.

Hugs and prayers as you continue your journey.

Thom said...

Well I think you have a plan myself. You are at least talking about this so that is the beginning of a plan. You have to take each day as it comes and all will be well. Think positive about yourself...that's key if you ask me. Know we are here for you my friend :)

Me Ke Aloha

Gail said...

oh my this is so powerful. I am so moved by your journey to wellness. And I am so sorry that your memories of your Mom are so empty and cold and that as a child you were hungry on so many levels. I know oh so well such healing journeys - be brave and steadfast. I understand.

Love to you
peace, hope and healing..... -

Finding Pam said...

Gun Diva, I think you have a good point. I am trying to let go of the guilt.

Debra,You have such a good grasp on this subject. Your post was so powerful yesterday on your blog.

I never thought about the difference when the mother is the alcoholic versus the father. That makes a lot of sense.

Thank you my friend for the hugs and prayers. Thank you for telling me it is OK to put myself first.

Thom, I am glad that you are always so supportive of me. My friend that means a lot to know that you are here for me. You are so blessed to have the wonderful mother you have.

Gail,I admire you and how far you have come in your journey of wholeness and healing. Thank you for your love and support and friendship.

DeEtta said...

Working on yourself is hard, at least for me because I always get side tracked. Stay focused in your wellness journey and be patient with yourself. As I read your post I was reminded of this poem.
by Edgar A. Guest

I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able as days go by,
To look at myself straight in the eye.
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.

I don't want to hide on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will know
What kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself in sham.

I want to go with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect
And in this struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I am a bluster and empty show.

I cannot hide myself from me;
I can see what others can never see;
I know what others can never know,
I cannot fool myself, and so

Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers through your "Wellness" journey.

You are Loved.

Akelamalu said...

You have a plan, it's working on yourself. You deserve it so embrace it. x

Rudee said...

Your mother sounds like she was a cold person, and likely a narcissist. Though you say you've forgiven her, do you think you've made much progress past saying the words, "I forgive you?" Forgiveness is hard--letting go and and changing your inner dialogue--even harder.

I highly recommend, Dr. Ira Byock's bood, The Four Things That Matter Most. It's written by a hospice/palliative care physician and touches on dying, but his book is about life and how it goes on. You need to grieve for the childhood your mother took from you.

Consider visiting Dr. Byock's website for some interesting information. My friend, you've got your work cut out for you, but there is nobody more worthy than working on yourself and no goal more admirable than learning to love yourself.

I wish you well on this worthwhile journey. I think your goals of fitness will come when you get to the bottom of things.

Cindy Adkins said...

Dear Pam,
You definitely deserve this time for yourself--and I'm sure your counselor thinks it's a great that is your NEW plan!! And you may discover some awesome things and get amazing results when you decide to begin this's inspirational!!
P.S. I got your lovely card and that was so sweet of your to send it to me--it made my day!!!

Finding Pam said...

DeEtta, that is a beautiful poem and I appreciate it so much. You are loved too. Hugs.

Akelamula, thanks for the vote of confidence in my. I will be around later to read more about your trip.

Rudee, I read some excerpts from Dr.Ira Byock's book. He sounds like an amazing doctor. Thank you for the suggestion.

Cindy, thank you so much for the nice comment about working on myself. It is scarey, but I will take small steps and not overwhelm myself.

I am glad that you received the card. I love the artist card that you made.

Hugs to you.

sarah said...

Oh Pam. I want you to know I think you're so worth deserve the best of the deserve taking whatever time you need for put some pieces make sense of you your life at this....In your corner....Sarah

Just Be Real said...

Self care is a toughie for me.... I sense the desire in you Pam to move on.
Thank you still for your encouraging post. Blessings to you Pam.

Travis Cody said...

It sounds to me like you have a plan and a strategy, and that you are executing quite well. If you get to the end of the year and feel better mentally and physically than you did at the beginning, then I say declare victory.

Then you can take more steps next year. Any progress is a success.

Keep at it!

Finding Pam said...

Sarah, thank you for believing I am worth it. There are so many people that have gone through this very same challenge. I know you are pulling for me because I know what you have been through.You are so very inspirational to me and all of us that follow your blog

Hugs sweet friend.

JBR, I will always be there for you and I thank you for always being here for me. You have made such an incredible journey through your own life. You are an inspiration to me and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you for a friend.

Travis, you are such an awesome man in that you understand the pain I am going through. Thank you for the good solid advice. You are a good person for all the good thoughts you're always sending my way.