Monday, December 27, 2010

Good bye 2010 and good riddance

Looking back to last year in review it seems that I was busy, but was I busy with things I wanted to do? January, February were uneventful with no entries on my calender. NO ENTRIES? How could that be? I did not have a new calender or else I did not make any entries.

In February, I started back to therapy for my blues that hold me hostage during the Christmas holidays. For the last two years, I have not been able to shake these feelings. I don't like that I am a Grinch. I love the holidays, but I have to tell you that this year nearly choked the life out of me.
Why? I haven't a clue? I can't really pin it down, but I think it has to do with all the hype of the season.

BTW...I am still as confused as ever with this computer. I am beginning to not like some of the prompts it leaves me.

Why can't Christmas be like Easter? Now there is a holiday I can enjoy. No gifts, no large gatherings of family, just a beautiful holiday celebrating the Resurrection. Everything seemed to be a huge effort to do. My tree was never complete. I lost the tree topper angel, the lights went out on the tree, just to name a few of the mishaps this year. I finally just walked away from that stupid tree and gave up. I told myself that next year I am not going through all of this hassle. I can't believe I said that. Hmmmm....we'll see next Christmas. I hope and pray that I have an attitude adjustment by then.

In February, we had Valentine's Day. I barely survived because I was the only designer. I was in disbelief that my little boss did not have more help. We are already talking about my schedule for V.Day. The only endeavor in my life that I always thrive is in my work. I am a die hard work my self to death florist. It is all I have ever known with the exception of running a food pantry for the needy. I don't know how to do any less than my best. I wish I had balance in my life.

Balance, that is one area of my life that I have been trying to improve in. I am an all or nothing kind of woman. It makes me insane, I know it does and yet I continue to live my life like a woman out of control. Some of my finest moments are my worst moments.

March, I injured my knee while leaving work. I stepped down the stairs funny and immediately I was filled with pain. This turned out to be worse than I thought. The doctors wanted to do surgery, I did not want another surgery so I set out on a different route. I started going to a Chiropractor. It has taken months to get better, but at least I am finally there. I still aggravate it every now and then, but at least I avoided surgery. I am immobilised by this injury. I am home bound for three weeks. I have to tell you this is really depressing. Pain and immobility are not my best companions. This is the first time ever that I feel like my body has let me down and I am really worried if this will be permanent. My ramblings enable me. I start to believe that self talk. I am my worst enemy.

By April, I am walking with a cane. Off the crutches and hobbling along. I am still feeling down and out. Come May, I am better. I am looking forward to Spring and getting my patio plants in order. As you can see, my calender is full. I took off from work because I could not stand and design full time. I was ready for a break from work, but I also missed it immensely.

Then the Summer from Hades arrived. This killer humidity and heat. It sucked the life out of me. I am frazzled from it. Hubs grew an incredible garden full of luscious vegetables. Me. I stayed inside. I shelled lots of peas and the meals were really good. I was a recluse in hiding from this over bearing heat. So there went the Summer. Argh! I hate this heat. I know I am melodramatic! What can I say? See why I need therapy?

By now I am ready to move to the North Pole forever because of this stinking heat. I hate it.
Wait...I feel a little cooler weather? No, it is just Fall. No cooling yet. Our weather bounces around from the one hundreds to the sixties. That can sure make me a grumpy woman. Argh! I don't want to be this way, but I am so hot that I dream of loads of snow and cooler weather. This has been the hottest summer ever. Where is Fall?

Alright it is still warm, but not scorching hot like the summer. I have to prepare for Thanksgiving. My boss ask me to come back to work. I am glad, but reluctant. Back to work I go. I don't want to relive the holidays. You know they were bad.
Need I say more?

I found out that I am diabetic. That is not good news. I am so overwhelmed with all of these emotions. I am in denial for a while about it. I am angry with myself. I am not a very happy person. I guess you all know the rest of the story.

In the bad news dept. Carmen our beloved Dobie was diagnosed with breast cancer. That is the worst thing about the whole year. I want to thank you all for the love and support and prayers you have shown Carmen and our family.

On a good note, I did loose 16 pounds. It was a huge struggle. I have thousands of pounds to go or at least it feels like that. This year, I want to continue to get healthy. Be happy once again. Enjoy my life and not feel any guilt for not doing what others want me to do. I think to much. Why don't I just beat my head against the brick wall?

This is Baby, a little orphan cat that we adopted the week before Christmas. Yes, I know...I don't need another critter, but honestly...could you say NO? Of course she has incredible luck in her young life. She was found by my sister's friend. She was clinging to life in a shrub. She did not have her eyes open and the friend took her in and fed her by a dropper. She can't have any more animals because she is in an aptartment and besides the lady has a dog. This little baby has brought lots of laughter to us.

The newer kinder me is scary. The old me was not very tolerant of others. I was impatient and very opinionated, but I had a sense of humor. Or so I thought. I am at odds with the new me. I have learned to stop, think and listen before I speak. I usually just react. Now I am learning a new way to communicate with those I love. I am trying to be aware of others feelings instead of being a bull in a china cabinet. Oh, Lord help me. Nobody said it would be easy, but little did I know it would be such a challenge, too.

In closing, I am wishing all of you a Happy New year full of possibilties. Full of hope, full of life and full of love. I happily say good by to 2010 and welcome the new year 2011.


The Bear's Blog said...

Dearest Friend,

Although we haven't known each other very long, I feel that I know you. You are way too hard on yourself.

Yes, being diabetic is not good news, but with testing and diet these days it can be controlled. And how wonderful that you lost weight. Hooray for you! See....

Carmen - this is devastating news, but let God have it - and know how many prayers are being sent to Him for her, you and Sissy. Finding the kitten - a blessing, for both of you.

Valentine's Day - it's December 27th don't get yourself worked up, again - let God help you through it.

Heaps of Hugs

Don't make me have to send Prudence to live with you for awhile, trust me - you don't want to have her "straighten" things out in your life. (o:

Sandee said...

Wow that's some year indeed. No wonder you are ready for it to exit. I knew a couple of these things, but not all of them.

I hope that 2011 brings you health, happiness, peace and serenity. Big hug. :)

Finding Pam said...

Joyce, I think I was hyper ventalating when I wrote this post! Or at least it felt like it.

Thanks for the reminder that I need to give it all up to God. As far as the diabetes, I am so afraid that I will let myself down and not be able to control it. After all if I didn't have a problem with food, I would not be in this shape.

I appreciate the posivtive feed back from you. All I ever heard growning up was negative comments from my mother. Rewritting the tape takes time, but I am working on it.

Many hugs to you and the girls.

P.S. Prudence can't really be that BAD?

Sandee,thank you my friend for the well wishes and those hugs.
I hope it will be a great year for all of us.
Hugs back to you.

The Bear's Blog said...

Hahahaha, look up "bad" in Webster's, it says "meet Prudence Clearwater".

You will NOT let yourself down, and if you slip He is right by your side to pick you up.

There are NO MORE negatives - so just smile and know that you are loved by so many people. (o: And we will always support you. Honest.


Gail said...


Phew...ya, tough year - lots to salvage though and build upon. I understand so well. wah

Love to you
peace and hope for us all

Just Be Real said...

Pam, I am touched what Bear Blog (Joyce) said to you. I agree as well. Much hugs to you at this time. I am much too hard on myself as well. Blessings.

Rudee said...

The best thing about your diabetes is knowing that you have it. Think about that. Knowledge is power and this adds control. You couldn't have felt well not knowing and having out of control sugars. It sucks, but uncontrolled, it does terrible things to the body and mind. Keep up the weight loss and it may just go away. Now wouldn't that be nice?

I'm still so sorry about your Carmen. Give her a hug for me.

Finding Pam said...

Joyce, I am so touched by your comment that I don't even know what to say except thank you.

Gail, I know you understand this all too well.

JBR,Why are we all so hard on ourselves? If any of my friends needed anything from me, I would be the first one to give them the encouragement they needed. When it comes to myself, I think I am not worthy of the same.

Rudee, thanks for the reminder that it is not a death sentence. In my mind I see failure as not as option and I am so afraid of failing myself. I am lucky to have such smart blog friends. I will tell my sister to hug Carmen for you tonight.

DeEtta said...

Out with the old, in with the new,
Here's praying 2011 is a better year for you.

With a new year you have a new slate. You are a very strong lady. Look forward and not back and I know it will get better.
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} and much love coming your way for a wonderful New Year.

You are loved and you have blessed my live.

Akelamalu said...

I was diagnosed as diabetic this year too and like you lost weight, though I too have more to lose.

You've had an eventful year, I hope 2011 will be a better year for you. :)

Finding Pam said...

DeEtta,Your words of encouragement are inspiring to me. I don't feel strong at all.

It is nice to have friends that believe in me. I have to ponder things a while before I believe it.

You are a precious friend to me as well and I am blessed to know you. Thank you for the prayers and hugs.

Akelamula, How are you doing with the diabetes? Like you I have so much more work to do on myself.
I pray that 2011 is much better for all of us.

mielikki said...

That kitten would be impossible to resist, and probably just what you needed after that angst filled year.
FWIW, 2009 was a rough one for us, and at the new year I was DELIGHTED to see it go. 2010 ended up being much kinder, and as you know, 2011 is promising to be wonderful. I have faith that you will have a wonderful 2011, as well. It will happen!

lailani said...

First Smiles! Huge Smiles!

I have found the past two Chrismas seasons trying at best - I really think a trip to the Fuji Islands would be the best way for me to sort out all this - lol! just kidding. But really, not trying to make to light of it...I can understand you completely. And I thank you for posting, I have been avoiding posting because what is it at the top of my mind parallels (SP) to to what you said here.

I decided yesterday that part of my hurdles with the season is all the hype that starts in OCTOBER!!! Kind of hard to feel the magic when all the "i wants" "what do you want" and "here's what you can get your trashman" goes on for 8 weeks straight. See, I AM the grinch this year, golly gee whiz and bah humbug too (ok, I am embellishing - I am not that bad). When I think back through the year it has been one with some emotional trials, several transitions, and many more unkowns than normal.

Your recapping your year with us, shows you too have had an amazing journey in 2010 - and thank you for sharing! Let's hold on for an easier going 2011 with some boredom :)

Smiles again to you friend and may you have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Finding Pam said...

Mielikki, usually the years don't bother me as much as they did when I was younger. I think we all have those seasons of life with trials and turmoil.

I am so excited for you and your family to have a little baby. I pray all goes well with you. It is so wonderful to know you will have a bundle of joy in August.

That little kitten has been so good for us. We have really smiled and laughed a lot since we adopted her.

Lanlani, I am a lot older now and I just miss so much about the days when our kids were still home. I am hoping next year will be better because our oldest son and his family will be moving to Montgomery, Ala. It will be a lot closer to us than Colorado was.

I decided to get rid of all of my Christmas decorations, Santas, wreaths. It was too much trouble. If I miss it next year, then I will buy something new. I amready to pass it all on to my kids.

I love Aunumn and all of the other holidays, but Christmas is so out of control.

I think a trip to Fuji sounds grand, especially since you are probably getting a blizzard where you live.

Keep your chin up and this too shall pass. Happy New Year to you as well.

Cindy Adkins said...

Oh gosh, Pam, I sure hope that 2011 will be a better year for you and maybe the blogging is a good thing too...Friends always make such a big difference no matter what is going on...I pray that it will be a good year for you!!!

Debra said...

I kinda feel the same way about 2010. Looking forward to 2011 surely it will be better.

Last month my hubby also found out he was diabetic.

It's been the first time ever I wish we could just have "skipped Christmas". Not skipped celebrating our Lord's birth, but skipp all the other "stuff".

At any rate, it is what it is.

So sorry it's not been a good year for you too, my friend.

We can hope that brighter and better days awaite us in the new year!

Blessings & hugs,

Finding Pam said...

Cindy,thanks for the kind words. I feel very blessed to have so many great virtual friends.

Debra, I understand what you are talking about and that is what I plan on doing next year. Celebrate only the birth of Jesus and forget all the other hype that brings me down.

I am sorry to hear that your husband has diabetes. I know that you do not need any thing else right now. I pray that 2011 will be a better year for you and your husband. Stay well, my friend.

Blessings and hugs back to you.

jennifer said...

Pam, I could respond to every paragraph that you wrote but I think it boils down to the fact that you experience life fully. You have a great capacity for emotion, good and bad, and you don't feel anything half way. I wish that you had joy all the time but since it doesn't work that way in life, I pray that God will give you grace for every circumstance.

I'm praying that your 2011 will be filled with blessings, as you are a blessing to me.

Love you Pam!

Xmichra said...

I know you want to say good bye to 2010, and with good reason. But reading from the other side, you have had a lot of triumph as well. You have been able to spend great times with your loved ones, find out a diagnosis for what was hurting you and be able to fix that, and you have an amazing job, suppor network, and pets :) Carmens struggle will be hard for you as well, but I can see with Baby's presence, that you attract love.

And that, being able to attract love, comes from giving love. And you my friend, have that in spades.

Happy new year Pam :)

Finding Pam said...

Jennifer, you are the sweetest Bama girl I know. It is hard to be such an emotional person because I always feel too much.

It amazes me what you see in me versus what I see in me. Does that make any sense? I think you get me and that my friend makes you all the more special to me.

I have never experience this kind of unconditional love from afar. I keep you in my prayers as well. I know next year will be better.

How much weight have you lost? You look great. I am so proud of you.

Love you,

Xmichra, you are awesome to have such an understanding of people. I like how you can see the flip side of things. I am so glad that I have met you because you are so unique in your own right.

I needed to view this from another's perspective and you did just that for me. I thank you for the comment about attracting love. That means a lot to me.

It will be hard to watch Carmen and I am not sure what to even expect from this cancer. My sister has claimed that Carmen will live two more years. Her inner strength is amazing to witness. And Baby has already brought us so much love and joy.

Peace and love to you.

sarah said...

Hey Pam...about the holidays. I don't think you're a grinch...I think they're just hard...all the hype etc. Wishing you the best of the best for twenty eleven...

Chickie said...

What a year for one person to have. You are made of tough stuff though and 2011 better watch out for you. :)

I think finding Baby is a very good thing for you. We found Oliver this time last year at the shelter and got him hoping that when Stinky Dog left us that he'd keep Tiny Dog company. I assumed we'd have a few more years with Stinky though...Today? Oliver and Tiny run around like best buddies. (Um, usually!)

Finding Pam said...

Sarah, the holidays are difficult when you are not with you family. My goal for next year is to keep it simple.

Chickie, thank you my friend for the comments. You are right in that Baby has been a real gift to us. I don't feel like I'm made of tough stuff right now, but I hope it gets easier down the road.

Ferd said...

Wow, Pam, what a year! Lots of challenges!
I do hope next year is not quite as challenging, and more than anything that you feel well, body and spirit, so that you can breeze through the tough spots, and better appreciate the good parts. It's hard to do that when you don't feel well.
Have a great 20100, Pam!

Finding Pam said...

Ferd, thank you for commenting on my post. I hope next year will be a lot better.

I hope you and your family have a great year.

Noelle said...

This is your year, Pam. Stay strong and dream big!