A this point in my life, it occurred to me that I have been spinning my wheels and going no where. I've spent most of my life feeling like I was not good enough for anyone and I did not even like myself. I have worked diligently on accepting my bad childhood and the woman... my crazy mother that took us on a drug induced, alcoholic, suicidal, insane trip of a lifetime. She was insane! Really...Insane...No, I am not kidding.
After she died, I thought... time to be finished with this thing, start your life, forgive and forget. Believe me, I worked so hard on this that I came to better understand my mother, given her illness and her selfish personality. I did love my mother, but I did not always like her bc or the hell hole shit situations she put us in. I know I am screwed up, but just maybe this is why I can understand all sorts of people and their problems. There is not much that I did not experience as a child... I did forgive her, but like vomit, this shit keeps coming up and I am sick to death of upchucking.
Five years after the death of my mother, just as I am getting my bearings straight, then I get another blow. I find out that my daddy died. His family did not even bother to tell us until three months after his funeral. Why?
At first, I was upset because it had destroyed my sister, Candy, bc she had lived with him and even kept in touch with him as an adult. I was angry that a man, and only a man, could have any power over me. A man that we barely remembered or knew. A man who thought so little of his own flesh and blood, never wanted us in life and now not even in death This I will never understand. Why? Daddy, why?
I guess I am not suppose to know the answer to that question. I want so desperately to forgive him, this man, my father...bc I know that as painful as it will be, I must forgive in order to get on with my life. With God's help maybe I can forgive. That is my prayer.
I wouldn't, no I mean I can't even imagine turning my back on my own children the way my daddy did. What was wrong with us? Or should I say, what was wrong with him? I only pray he knows the price we paid, I want him to hurt like we hurt, to never feel good enough, to never be loved enough. I want him to know what he did to us and how we suffered because of him. I want him to feel my anger, my rage... He lived one life by another standard with his second family, while walking away from us. I want to be able to forgive him for leaving us...his girls.
This anger consumes me. I have morned his loss, and now I have got to forgive. So it's in comming to his graveside that I'll forgive him and Mary, his wife, for not loving us or caring for us. I am ready for this tremendous burden and pain to be lifted off my shoulders, With God's help, it will be.
I am thankful for my grandparents, my sister, Candy, and Ben, my third step-father. Ben always loved us and accepted us. They were my foundation, my rock. I am thankful for a heavenly Father that loves me when my own father did not.