Sunday, November 8, 2009

Gratitude Post # 8~ Forgiveness...Finally

A this point in my life, it occurred to me that I have been spinning my wheels and going no where. I've spent most of my life feeling like I was not good enough for anyone and I did not even like myself. I have worked diligently on accepting my bad childhood and the woman... my crazy mother that took us on a drug induced, alcoholic, suicidal, insane trip of a lifetime. She was insane! Really...Insane...No, I am not kidding.

After she died, I thought... time to be finished with this thing, start your life, forgive and forget. Believe me, I worked so hard on this that I came to better understand my mother, given her illness and her selfish personality. I did love my mother, but I did not always like her bc or the hell hole shit situations she put us in. I know I am screwed up, but just maybe this is why I can understand all sorts of people and their problems. There is not much that I did not experience as a child... I did forgive her, but like vomit, this shit keeps coming up and I am sick to death of upchucking.

Five years after the death of my mother, just as I am getting my bearings straight, then I get another blow. I find out that my daddy died. His family did not even bother to tell us until three months after his funeral. Why?

At first, I was upset because it had destroyed my sister, Candy, bc she had lived with him and even kept in touch with him as an adult. I was angry that a man, and only a man, could have any power over me. A man that we barely remembered or knew. A man who thought so little of his own flesh and blood, never wanted us in life and now not even in death This I will never understand. Why? Daddy, why?

I guess I am not suppose to know the answer to that question. I want so desperately to forgive him, this man, my father...bc I know that as painful as it will be, I must forgive in order to get on with my life. With God's help maybe I can forgive. That is my prayer.

I wouldn't, no I mean I can't even imagine turning my back on my own children the way my daddy did. What was wrong with us? Or should I say, what was wrong with him? I only pray he knows the price we paid, I want him to hurt like we hurt, to never feel good enough, to never be loved enough. I want him to know what he did to us and how we suffered because of him. I want him to feel my anger, my rage... He lived one life by another standard with his second family, while walking away from us. I want to be able to forgive him for leaving us...his girls.

This anger consumes me. I have morned his loss, and now I have got to forgive. So it's in comming to his graveside that I'll forgive him and Mary, his wife, for not loving us or caring for us. I am ready for this tremendous burden and pain to be lifted off my shoulders, With God's help, it will be.

I am thankful for my grandparents, my sister, Candy, and Ben, my third step-father. Ben always loved us and accepted us. They were my foundation, my rock. I am thankful for a heavenly Father that loves me when my own father did not.

15 comments:

Leah in Iowa said...

Wow - what a post! But you're right - forgiveness is necessary. If we don't forgive, God says He won't forgive us. And I need it more than the next person! But also, it leads to bitterness and that is nasty stuff! So glad you're moving along the right track! Remember: forgiveness doesn't excuse the wrongs done to you. It releases you!

Your Giving Thanks list is really coming along. I'll be back to watch as it grows, day by day.

~ Leah

Finding Pam said...

Thank you Leah for understanding and for commenting. I need to alway remember that if it were not for the good people in my life, I might not be the person I am today. I am so very thankful for them.

Sarge Charlie said...

I like what Leah said, "forgiveness doesn't excuse the wrongs do, it releases you" that is a profound statement and seems to fit this post.

DeEtta said...

Your "Gratitude" posts have really touched me. They are all beautiful. I have a sign on our home that says "Forgiving someone doesn't make them right, it sets you free". Thank you for your thoughts.

Finding Pam said...

Sarge, thank you very much for stopping by and leaving me a comment.

Finding Pam said...

DeEtta, you are so right about forgiveness and I am blessed to have you as my blogg friend.

♥Mimi♥ said...

How do you forgive immeasurable pain inflicted on your heart? I think you have to realize that whatever happened wasn't directed at you specifically, even if the hurt came directly at you and to you. You realize that the other person was flawed and didn't have the capacity to understand how deeply you were wounded. The hurt happened and the pain endures but the person who flung the rocks at your soul did so because they were flawed, not you.

So, forgive the person out of mercy but not the action. You don't have to accept what was done but you can accept that the conduct was that of an extremely flawed, and human, individual.

Finding Pam said...

Mimi, you are very wise indeed. I appreciate your point of thinking as I never quite looked at it that way.

They were both very damaged people and I am thankful that my sister and I survived them. Sometimes it still hurts, but I have forgiven them and let go.

Many thanks and blessings,
Pam

Dr.John said...

You do seem to understand that forgiveness dies nothing for the person being forgiven but heals the person doing the forgiving.
May God grant you the grace to forgive.

Finding Pam said...

Thank you Dr. John for commenting.
It was not easy, but I did forgive them.

Rudee said...

I awakened today to find you are a new follower for me. Thank you.

This family business of love, pain, hurt and forgiveness is a tough one. I'm sorry for what seems to be a lifetime of loss. It's hard to understand how parents can inflict such misery time and time again, but they can. Some, relentlessly.

As a hospice nurse, I see quite a bit of this as it all seems to come out at the end of life. I wholeheartedly recommend Dr. Ira Byock's book, The Four Things That Matter Most. It's a powerful book about forgiveness and love. http://www.thefourthings.org/

Peace.

Finding Pam said...

Rudee, thank you for leaving such a wonderful comment and for the book recomendation.

I appreciate your following me.

Peace be with you,
Pam

Mimi Lenox said...

You did nothing wrong.
You are a beautiful person.
You are a soul full of light.
You bring that light to others.
I see it.
We all see it.

Forgive yourself, Pam.
You did nothing wrong.

Finding Pam said...

Oh Mimi...such lovely words.
You made me cry. Thank you my friend. I needed to hear that.

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