Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Anger in Me

Yesterday was a lousy day. There was a lot of tension in the air at my home. Sometimes home does not feel safe to me. My husband has a drinking problem and that is the problem. His drinking takes me back to an unsafe place from my childhood.

A place that makes me tense and unhappy. A deep dark ugly hole that I retreat to when I feel threatened. He does not get it or understand that I had a tramatic childhood with a crazy alcholic suicidal mother. The anger she spewed from her mouth was deafening. It defeated all hopes I had of a normal family life.

After his tirade, I wanted to crawl into the closet and hide for safety. My sister witnessed this as well and she was as sick as I was. I don't talk about this very often and I do try to keep up the pretenses, but his drinking has really bothered me for a long time. Of course, he does not think he has a problem?

So this is probably the only time I will mention it. I don't know how to accept the things I can not change. Just pray for us.


Anonymous said...

You poor thing. You might not like what i am about to say so delete it if you want. If he cannot admit his problem leave him. The abuse to you is no good and so not worth it I know you will come up with a million and one excuse why you can't but I say you can. Your life your sanity your well being is so with it and not suffering through what you do. Life is way to short and you shouldn't sacrafice one minute of it at all. Be strong and put yourself first.

Anonymous said...

With is worth

Sandee said...

What Thom said honey. I'm praying.

Big hug. :)

Finding Pam said...

Thom, thanks for the advice. He has stopped before and I pray that he will again. I deserve to be treated better. I won't settle for less.

Thanks Sandee, I appreciate the comments as well.

I guess I have aired my dirty laundry and now I wish I had not done so, but it is the truth.

Mimi Lenox said...

Oh, Pam. I knew your childhood was traumatic but I had no idea about the rest. I am putting you and your husband on my list of things to pray about.

You are stronger than you think.
There is no way I would put up with that and you shouldn't either. Easy for all of us to say, right?
We're not here to judge or give advice so much really as to just say we are here and will stand with you.

Lean on your blog friends.
Guess what?
You are safe here.

Email if you need to talk!

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Have you tried Al-Anon? I was going for my son's drug problem. It does help.

Finding Pam said...

Oh Mimi, I so appreciate your kind words and support. That touched my heart so deeply. I do feel my blog friends are a safe haven for me.
Please just keep us in your prayers. You are a doll.

Yes Barbara, I do work a 12 step Al-Anon program, just have not found one here yet.

I am dealing with my anger when I should remind myself that it is an illness and that I have no control.
I am powerless.

Luckily my sister is here and can cousel me,since that is what she did for a living before she retired.

I know that this too shall pass. If he had a heart attack, I would be so much kinder than I am to him now. I just have a zero tolerance for it because of my childhood.

Thank you for listening and supporting me during this difficult time.

That is why I love my blog friends.
You are all so great and it has not gone unnoticed.

DeEtta said...

My heart goes out to you. I can tell by your blog that you have a very special spirit. I know that if you stay close to Heavenly Father He will guide you and help you make the right decisions for your happiness. You need to think of YOU now. You will be in my prayers. {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

Aphra said...

I am so sorry. Sometimes the truth is not pretty is it? Hugs to you.

Finding Pam said...

DeEtta, I could not make it even one day with out my Heavenly Father. Thank you for you prayers and hugs.

I have been married thirty seven years, and I am not giving up on him. I pray that God gives me the strength to understand this illness.

Aphra, the truth is ugly and part of the healing comes from the acknowledgement and acceptance of this truth. Thanks for the hugs and for letting me bare my soul.

Akelamalu said...

Oh my dear I am so sorry to hear this. No-one should put up with abuse, you must do something to save yourself from further tirades. I will send you positive thoughts and much love and Reiki blessings. x

PS Visit me tomorrow there will be a little something that I hope will cheer you. x

wendy said...

Amen to Thom's comment and here comes a bit more of the same.

I love that you are so honest and you just put it out there. I "left" my husband last month and I haven't posted about it because I promised him I wouldn't tell my family and his mother reads my blog. But this is the last comment in a string, so maybe only you will see it, yes? And I know you won't tell my family. But I will tell them soon.

I finally just got sick of it ... he does NOT control his temper. He does NOT control his tongue. He just CAN'T get through a week without judging me and making me wrong. He just DOESN'T keep his word. He just DOESN'T tell the truth ... and after 7 years I knew it wasn't going to change. And I don't expect him to. But it would be unreasonable of him to expect I'D stay for another helping of THAT.

I have a good source for you.

This man has a program and a book that is WAY beyond phenomenal and it WILL, guaranteed, get you to your answer. It's called "The Breakthrough Experience". You can get his book for 15.00 at his website or you can sit the class for 900.00 (and so packed with life transforming information it's worth three times that, in my opinion). Either one will get you the answer you are looking for, but you have to do the homework in the book and you have to take the time to WORK the pages. You can also YOUTUBE him for free. Dr. John Demartini.

My friend. ... 37 years? Really? If he gave you a resume 37 years ago stating that THIS is how he would treat you when he decides to drink, would you have chosen to marry him? Should the answer be any different just because you are already married to him? How about if he behaved this way 24-7? I don't think you would stay, would you? Abhorrent behavior isn't any less abhorrent because it's only one day a week. He has to STOP.

You are the only one who can decide what to do, but I'll tell you what I know: You stay because you are getting something out of the relationship. It's "paying you off" somehow and that's why you stay. Once you find out what it is you are getting from your marriage to this man (financial support? sex? sympathy from others? Not having to return to a scary dating scene? something is making it worth your while to stay) once you figure out what you are getting from this UNhealthy relationship you will be free'd to find the same pay off from OTHER healthy sources.

If nothing else ... communicate to him that this is UNACCEPTABLE behavior. Don't tolerate it even ONCE more. Is he sorry? When he cycles through to "but I'm sorry!" (if he does) have a conversation where the two of you agree what it is that YOU are going to yank out of the relationship the very next time he does this and then do NOT hesitate! Follow through. And if he won't agree that his behavior is unreasonable and unhealthy, just INFORM him of what he will lose the very next time he behaves this way and DO IT. He can't have his cake AND eat it too. He can't be this horrible to you AND expect to continue to get the same benefits that considerate husbands get. Apples and oranges. Just tell him that you understand completely that he is sick ... but he needs to understand completely that when he persists in terrifying you/making you ill that you are going to make different choices. Doesn't matter that you haven't reacted this (new) way in the past ... today's a new day and you aren't taking it anymore.

That's my two cents.

I hope you will get and read the book. It can help you like it helped me ... and it didn't tell me to leave my husband ... it led to 18 months of clearer thinking which led me to my decision. It's WORTH it. I have no regrets about my decision at all.

I hope I am not out of line to share my thoughts and input.

Anonymous said...

Do you know what insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You seem like an intelligent woman so think about that definition. And remember - love isn't an "excuse" for anything, let alone abusive, excuse-less behavior. My ex was sorry, too, and every time he said he was sorry, I forgave him, and every time I forgave him, the next episode of abuse would be worse. I quit forgiving him, left, and then had to work on forgiving myself for allowing myself to remain in that situation for as long as I did. Whether or not your husband can "admit his problem" has nothing to do with you staying or leaving. You say you won't "settle for less" than better treatment but it sounds to me like maybe you have. It also sounds like if things are going to get better, you're the one who's going to have to do something about it. So be good to yourself and do something about it. You're worth it, aren't you?

Chickie said...

There isn't anything that I can add to the comments that hasn't already been said.

So, take care of yourself.

My first husband was an alcoholic and a half and one day I imagined myself being 40 years old and hiding in my car before coming in from work because I needed to put on a "happy" face to deal with him. Decided it wasn't much to look forward to.

Finding Pam said...

Wendy, first, I want to say thank you for caring enough to leave your post. I have been thinking about the "pay off".

You have been an inspiration to me. I know it takes a lot of courage to find the answer. You are pretty wise for one so young. Things change over the years ever so slowly that I didn't give it too much thought, until I posted this post. Thank you. You are one of a kind.

I am sorry for all that you are going through, but you have a great head on your shoulders and you will come out on top.

Finding Pam said...

anonyomous, thank you for you comments as well. It sounds like you know what you are talking about. I appreciate your comments.

Finding Pam said...

Chickie, thank you as well. Today is a good day is all I can say.

Sherry said...

Hi Pam,

You are such an encouragement to others; I didn't realize you were dealing with this. We never fully know, the burdens others are carrying.

I'm glad your sister is there with you. You have some wonderful blogging friends & they have lots of wisdom here. I'm going to add my prayers, along with everyone else. You are a very special person, Pam. Take good care of yourself.

Finding Pam said...

Sherry, thank you for the prayers and comments. I am blessed to have you as a friend too.

ramblingwoods said...

Oh Pam..I have thought and thought about this post because I too have been there. Both as a child and married to a person with alcohol issues. I don't think you posted to be told to leave your husband, but as a way to vent in a safe place. So I am going to regard it as such.

It is a terrible feeling not to ever know that a home is safe and that no matter what you are loved and valued. Alcohol makes people unpredictable and self-absorbed.

It would be nice if you had a professional to talk to if that is possible and certainly Al-anon is very good.

I am sure your were reluctant to post, but I hope your blog is a safe place and that you feel the support from your blogger friends.. Michelle

Emily's Poetry of Life said...

Thank you Michelle for your understanding comment. You are right in the reason that I made this post.

I am blessed that my sister is a retired counselor. She is gone for the next week to work on her house, but I talk to her every day.

I hope all is well with your family.


Anonymous said...