Sunday, July 17, 2011

On Being Me...

How do you forgive the brokenness of one's life? I'm relieving some difficult childhood memories right now. While I know God forgives me, why then do I not forgive myself? Part of me says "Let it go and another part of me says no one could forgive you. You are worthless." Old memories create a less than perfect self image. I carry on forward.

Self-hate is what I learned as a child. I'm not equipped to handle complements or any thing of that nature. It is reflective in my addiction for food. This last month I have gained weight at the thought of loosing my favorite I am looking for something to replace it with, but I've not found anything that comes close to satisfying my emotional needs that I get from food.

Food makes me feel safe, loved, full. Damn it. My head knows all of this, but it is hard to say good-bye to an old way of satiation. I am afraid to be thin. I know it's sick and I am working on a good solution to the problem. Right now...I am stopped by my own fear. I've hit a wall of sorts.

Through therapy,I remember the exact moment that I learned how to use food to block what I saw and heard as a kid. It is a moment I will never forget. From that moment, I replaced all the evil and mean that I saw in my life with my soul saving comfort food. I was blinded to everything else around me. Relieved to be (in my mind) taken away from the pain by food. You see some things a little girl should not have to witness .

I can't change any of that now. I'm trying to overcome these memories, accept them and use the tools I am learning in therapy to let go and start living my life. I never knew anything could be so hard. How long must I keep these secrets of the dead? And do I have to reveal these secrets in order to be healthy?


Akelamalu said...

Leave the past and look to the future m'dear. x

Gail said...

HI PAM- wow, I feel, know, understand and realize your struggles as they have been my own. Over time I have become whole with no need to separate myself from myself via any act or substance. It is/was in the surrender to all my truth that I was finallly free. I went to gret lengths to deny my past and it almostkilled me. Everything that happened is part of th fabric of my design and in order to love all of me I had to embrace all my truths as well. If you take a moment to read some of my first posts you will see some of my journey to self and what some of the "its" were I had to embrace. I am here.
Love you

Anonymous said...

We are all broken in one way or another Pam. You are bound to have periods when you feel like you are getting nowhere... but you are further along the path of healing than you know. XO

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you."
— Rumi

The Bear's Blog said...

Hi Pam,

Oh, the scars we wear. I don't know why we can't forgive ourselves, why we can't just give it to God and NOT take it back.

When I start to beat myself up I try to remember at that very moment to give it to Him and then pray that I won't take it back. It is so difficult. I always think (wrongfully) that He doesn't need my little worries and problems, and that hurts Him. He wants all of our hurts, worries and problems.

Don't give in to Satan, he wants us to beat ourselves up and keep a tight grip on all our past hurts. That is what gives him his power.

Stand firm, sweet friend and know that you are in my prayers. WE CAN DO THIS!!!! BELIEVE.

Big hugs and Blessings.

Ferd said...

To Dawn: You're the best. What a good friend you are to so many people.

Pam, yes, you have to bring it all out into the light, in the safe presence of your therapist, or the safety of a group. A weight will be lifted when you can and do.

I had a different "feel good." It was addictive and self-destructive, like all these things tend to be. One of the first things I learned was that not indulging in my addiction was not going to kill me, in fact it was a requirement for recovery. Avoiding it was difficult at first, until I had developed other healthy options. You are so open and ready for recovery, that it is only a matter of time. Just keep working it. And thank you for your honesty!

Peace, my friend!

Linda said...

You are sincere and fearless for taking on a topic as deep and difficult as this. I'm sorry that you had to see what you did.

I was just noticing the other night, that when I begin my after dinner blog time, I become so engrossed that I don't eat again till morning. (And getting food on my keyboard while eating is really pretty gross!)

I wish you all the best on your journey. I recently posted a very creepy and damaging story about psychoanalysis that might be of comfort. Hugs to you, Pam... : )

Linda said...

Your courage and honesty are admirable, and hopefully healing, too.

I wish you all the best on your journey...

sarah said...

wow Pam....your post just hits home for me. I relate so much with what you wrote.....hard to forgive me...why is that so darn hard!!! You're strong and powerful my friend....I say that b/c you're here and fighting to be the best you ever. Tons of hugs to you.

Clueless said...

Remember to be gentle with yourself. It has taken years to develop your addiction, so it will take time. This is coming from one who knows. Take care of yourself. *hugs*

DeEtta said...

I feel your pain and so admire you to be able to express your feelings. That is the first step to forgiving yourself. Every morning look yourself in the mirror and say "I am terrific and I matter". You do matter and you are a special daughter of a Loving Heavenly Father who will help you to love and forgive yourself.

{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} as you continue your journey of healing.

Love you!

Travis Cody said...

It's never easy to forgive oneself, but it is essential. Take your time and remember that your past has happened and can't be changed. The past is what it was.

Melissa said...

**hugs** You will eventually sort everything out, and then you will know what course of action is best for you.

I think you are doing really well, and admire the fact that you are willing to tackle these issues.

Debra said...

Pam, God bless you my friend as you continue in your healing journey. It's cliche' to say "I feel your pain" but truth is I do. Continue to write and we will continue to listen and understand.

Xmichra said...

I don't know HOW I missed this post!!!

I think you know what I would say (I'm like a broken record of self encouragement) but I gotta say something that you likey wouldn't think I'd say - secrets are only shameful when they are kept secret. Once they are out, and you can let go and talk with someone about it - even anonymously - you can let it the heck go.

I am in no way telling you to tell me, or this blog, or anyone in particular; that is totally your choice. Open a venting blog and just let it go, or tell a councilor, or write it out and just cast it to the wind. Whatever it is, toss it out of you for good.

For what it's worth - i don't think there is anything that you could tell me that I would think less of you for. There is a past for a reason, and when we are children many of us have had to live through difficult times and did what we had to for survival. SOmetimes things that we are not so proud of today.

But it IS today. And you ARE a good person. And you WILL be okay.