How do you forgive the brokenness of one's life? I'm relieving some difficult childhood memories right now. While I know God forgives me, why then do I not forgive myself? Part of me says "Let it go and another part of me says no one could forgive you. You are worthless." Old memories create a less than perfect self image. I carry on forward.
Self-hate is what I learned as a child. I'm not equipped to handle complements or any thing of that nature. It is reflective in my addiction for food. This last month I have gained weight at the thought of loosing my favorite addiction...food. I am looking for something to replace it with, but I've not found anything that comes close to satisfying my emotional needs that I get from food.
Food makes me feel safe, loved, full. Damn it. My head knows all of this, but it is hard to say good-bye to an old way of satiation. I am afraid to be thin. I know it's sick and I am working on a good solution to the problem. Right now...I am stopped by my own fear. I've hit a wall of sorts.
Through therapy,I remember the exact moment that I learned how to use food to block what I saw and heard as a kid. It is a moment I will never forget. From that moment, I replaced all the evil and mean that I saw in my life with my soul saving comfort food. I was blinded to everything else around me. Relieved to be (in my mind) taken away from the pain by food. You see some things a little girl should not have to witness .
I can't change any of that now. I'm trying to overcome these memories, accept them and use the tools I am learning in therapy to let go and start living my life. I never knew anything could be so hard. How long must I keep these secrets of the dead? And do I have to reveal these secrets in order to be healthy?