Wednesday, May 20, 2009

It's not home...

I miss my friends from my past home town so much that I can't stand it. I never realised that I would not fit back into my old life. What I want to say is that they are all doing their own thing and I feel like I have to make an appointment with them just to see them. I don't fit there anymore, and I haven't found my place here in our new town. I feel a little bit lost. Neither place feels like home anymore. That makes me so incredibly sad. My heart hurts and my soul yearns for my home. My eyes weep for the past that is no more. I am paralysed...can't move back or forward.

So this is where I am at today. My season has changed and I await the new one. I am not good at waiting.

Another thought I had was does it make one a better person to do something you really do not want to do? My mother always said that it built character, but I think I have enough character.

20 comments:

Sandee said...

I think your are a character. I mean that in a very good way.

I've not experienced what you are going through. I've had many new starts in a different city or state and I just never looked back. Way? I don't know. Just kept looking forward instead of back.

Have a terrific day. :)

Sandee said...

I meant WHY! Geez... :)

Thom said...

Okay Pam..I'm lost once again LOL. Nothing new and different. LOL. Did I miss when you moved or was it before I started following you? I will say however, that I think you have plenty of character. I dunno if doing something you don't want to do helps build it because I generally don't do things I don't want to do and if I do I am irritated with myself. Hold your head up high, thing positive and enjoy your new town. New friends are always on the horizon. Memories and friends never go anywhere but it is great to meet new friends and make new memories. They are out there...ya just have to take the plunge :) Aloha my friend :)

Akelamalu said...

You're inbetween times, it will be OK just give it a little more time. In the meantime you have us! :)

barefoot gardener said...

Oh, hon! Sometimes change just stinks. Good luck finding your new rhythm....

Dawn (Twisted Sister) said...

I get it. Not the same circumstances but I'm in a similar position. I left my marriage and my home and now I am living alone in a city I'm not fond of. Leaves me living in limbo.
Can't go back and still not ready to move forward. It's a strange feeling... but at least you have your hubby which should help with the transition... just give it a bit of time.

As for doing things you don't want to do... I always ask myself how big is it? If it's a small thing and I'm capable... why not? Especially if I'm helping someone out... but I'm not sure of what's being asked of you so I'll say no more...

Sandi McBride said...

Having been a Military wife for so long, we moved constantly. At first it was hard to make friends, but then I started putting a smile on my face whether I felt like smiling or not. I 'm sure that you will work through this Pam, and find friends who have things in common with you. Just remember, smile till it hurts!
hugs to you
Sandi

Finding Pam said...

Sandee, I am just sort of blue and don't know what to do. We lived in Kilgore for 25 years, raised a family there, then moved to a little bity town in the deep country.

Thank you so much for the advice. I am going to look forward from now on.

Finding Pam said...

Thom, we moved in Jan of this year to a little town of less than
3,ooo people. I just miss my old friends and my life in my old town.

I really appreciate your empathy. Some days it seems everthing just piles up on me until I loose it.

There are other things going on that I have not mentioned, but I will handle it. More about that later.

Thanks for the kind words.

Finding Pam said...

In between times...I think that is a good way to describe it. Thanks Akelamula, I do forget that I have wonderful blog friends. I am thankful for all of you. I just feel bad when I am this way.

Maybe tomorrow I will list out all the good things VS the bad things about this town.

Finding Pam said...

Barefoot, that is just what it is. I have lost my rhythem. I will be looking for it. I appreciate your thougts and insight.

Finding Pam said...

Dawn, I am sorry to have complained when you have been through so much more.

The other bad news is that Hubs will be working out of town, you know we did that for over a year and then I moved here, so it really stinks that I have moved only to have his job take him away again. This will only be a couple of months, but I dread it. He leaves Sun. He will stay for a couple of weeks then go and come til the job is done.

I don't like change, but sometimes you gotto do what you gotta do.

As far as my other question. It just seem like I am such a people pleasing person. I know that is my DNA, but for once I would like to not do something I should. I am not sure if this makes any sense.

Love you Dawn and thank you for your support.

Finding Pam said...

Thanks Sandi so much for the encourgement. Part of the problem is that I have not found a new church home.

The military was good for Hubs and I because I was so very shy. I just got too comfortable in my 25 years in my old home town.

Just know that I am trying and I do have a couple of new friends at the flowershop where I work.

Dawn (Twisted Sister) said...

Please don't apologize for complaining! It's only natural for you to feel out of sorts and I didn't realize hubby was leaving. Of course that would just make you feel worse.
Change is never good when you are in the middle of it... but later on you will look back and see that it helped you grow in ways that you never thought of.

As for people pleasing habits.... oh dear Lord I could write a book. Pam that goes right back to your childhood. Trust me on this one. I've been working on that habit for years and I've finally come to a place where I can say no and do it comfortably... but it took a lot of work. You need to ask yourself "Am I doing this out of guilt or because I really want to do it." If the answer is guilt... well you may need to give that some thought.... I'll stop rambling now :)

ramblingwoods.com said...

Oh dear..it is so tough when things don't feel like home. I think when we are younger it's easier and more exciting, but at my age, I want to sleep in my bed , in my house.... Hang in there.... Michelle

Finding Pam said...

Dawn, that was so heartfelt...
I appreciate your wisdom and your sage advice.

That people pleasing thing...definately from childhood.

My sister,Candy, will be back Sat. She has been gone a week today. I am sure, I think, I will be better when she returns.

Thank you again. Pam

Finding Pam said...

Hey Michelle, Everything is easier when we are young. Now it is just a battle of my will.

Hubs bought me a new camera, so I will being learnig how to use it. It is a Cannon Rebel EOS xs 1000D.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I am so sorry you are hurting, I hurt for you. I guess being a loner that isolates herself its hard for me to relate. I've always wanted to be more like you - outgoing, with friends. I believe you will find your place at your new home even if it does take some time (i hate waiting too).

As for that saying about character building....I've always hated that, but think there is a bit of truth to it.

Aphra said...

Looks like you have lots of internet friends to turn to if you get lonely while your Hubby is away! That's a good thing :)

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