Last week I started going to a therapist to discuss some of my anxiety based problems. While I have not had an attack in a few years, I do have some things that are bothering me. I can't seem to work through them by myself and it is holding me back from being my authentic self.
I would like to feel safe. I have never felt safe...never ever. Things from my child hood keep me from feeling secure and safe. Safety is a real issue for me. Once we lived in a old three story apartment building. Mother called it the penthouse. It was the top floor and our door was half glass and not secure. Strangers would come up to the top floor looking for someones apartment at all hours of the night. My sister and I stayed alone most of the time because our mother was anything but a mother. She was gone most of the times and at night it was frightening. My sister and I were afraid that someone would break the glass in the door and get us.
I always planned my escape route from fire, but in reality I needed an escape from my mother and her crazy behaviour. I pretended I was tough so she would not know how deeply she wounded me. I was stubborn and determined not to let her beatings show pain on my face. I just took it. No tears, no fear.
This is a place I have revisited many times before. I have had some therapy before and thought I had purged myself of these memories. Faced up to them. I have left a lot of baggage in dying moments, which set me free to start being myself. Then unexpectedly out of the blue... Kabam! it resurfaces it ugly head.
I am reluctant to talk about this, but it is one of the reasons I started my blog. Hence the name..Finding Pam. In my journey I hope to rid myself of this extra baggage. This is where I am at the moment. I am struggling to say a float, but like the movie...Hope Floats and I plan to have hope.
When you live with an alcoholic there is no room for anyone else's ego except the alcoholic. The world revolves around them. When you are a child you have no choice but to accept it. Some of the things I am struggling with are besides safety are consistency and why I am afraid to succeed. I am suppose to work on my expectations and goals and make things happen. That is a lot to do right now.