Last week I started going to a therapist to discuss some of my anxiety based problems. While I have not had an attack in a few years, I do have some things that are bothering me. I can't seem to work through them by myself and it is holding me back from being my authentic self.
I would like to feel safe. I have never felt safe...never ever. Things from my child hood keep me from feeling secure and safe. Safety is a real issue for me. Once we lived in a old three story apartment building. Mother called it the penthouse. It was the top floor and our door was half glass and not secure. Strangers would come up to the top floor looking for someones apartment at all hours of the night. My sister and I stayed alone most of the time because our mother was anything but a mother. She was gone most of the times and at night it was frightening. My sister and I were afraid that someone would break the glass in the door and get us.
I always planned my escape route from fire, but in reality I needed an escape from my mother and her crazy behaviour. I pretended I was tough so she would not know how deeply she wounded me. I was stubborn and determined not to let her beatings show pain on my face. I just took it. No tears, no fear.
This is a place I have revisited many times before. I have had some therapy before and thought I had purged myself of these memories. Faced up to them. I have left a lot of baggage in dying moments, which set me free to start being myself. Then unexpectedly out of the blue... Kabam! it resurfaces it ugly head.
I am reluctant to talk about this, but it is one of the reasons I started my blog. Hence the name..Finding Pam. In my journey I hope to rid myself of this extra baggage. This is where I am at the moment. I am struggling to say a float, but like the movie...Hope Floats and I plan to have hope.
When you live with an alcoholic there is no room for anyone else's ego except the alcoholic. The world revolves around them. When you are a child you have no choice but to accept it. Some of the things I am struggling with are besides safety are consistency and why I am afraid to succeed. I am suppose to work on my expectations and goals and make things happen. That is a lot to do right now.
You shouldn't believe everything you tell yourself. FEELINGS aren't FACTS.
23 comments:
HI PAM-
Oh my, I am truly sorry for your pain. I "feel" your hurt and sorrow and your fear. Reading how you and your sister were so frightened someone would break in is just horrid. I understand the inner child work necessary to be free and whole and integrated. I named mine, she is "Annie". I hid her for years - denied her truth and reality - it was a long journey to free her and love her/me. What she survived is now amongst my greatest strengths-gifts. So, "Annie" says "hi" to the little you that is scared and wants that part of you to know that you are very brave.
Love Gail/Annie
peace.....
I call it the 'ever shifting sands' of my childhood. You never had that safety net surrounding you as children need and I do think it leaves you feeling unsafe or the way I think of it 'untethered'. I admire you for taking on the journey as many people don't or turn to some way to hide.... hugs...Michelle
Pam, my heart goes out to you and I truly feel the pain you are going through. Living with an alcoholic is very painful for a child, I know because my father was an alcoholic. However, I knew him before he started drinking and about a year before he died he quit so I have those memories to lean and reflect back on. Sending {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} and prayers your way. Know that you are a special daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who will get you through this.
This is truly heart wrenching my friend. I feel for you and all you are going through and have been through. I do hope that you can dig down deep and truly find yourself. I so believe in the power of positive thinking. I think our mind is so powerful and so many people don't tap into it all. I think that is so important. Just be true to yourself my friend :)
Good luck with your journey.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts, comments, hugs and prayers. I will need them all.
It is nice to have friends that do not judge me and support me. I really love you guys for that acceptance.
Big Hugs to you!
You have read bits and pieces of my blog, so you know that I a familiar with what you are going through right now.
You should be proud of yourself! You are taking some very positive and difficult steps to help you become a happier and healthier person.
You're a strong lady, and it sounds like you are doing what is absolutely best for you. I wish you success in your quest to find yourself, but I bet she's been there the whole time...
I am so sorry to hear your childhood was so frightening Pam. No child should have to go through that. I hope further counselling helps and you find peace. x
Safety is such a big issue in life and when that has been threatened it takes a long time to get back to any place that feels safe.
I pray you find that place.
God bless you sweetie. We have some of the same issues with our mother's. Mine passed away several years ago. It wasn't till after she died that the Lord helped me with becoming reconciled with her.
Bless you on your journey, may you find peace, forgiveness and strength.
Wow Pam, thank you sooooooo much for writing and posting this. I can relate to what you're going through so much. I am so sorry you have to go through this too.
God has greatly gifted you
I've been there!
I enjoyed visiting your blog
God Bless;
http://westbob.blogspot.com/2010/02/encourager-part-1.html
Dear Pam,
You sound like a wonderful sensitive person, although your past has been difficult , look you are here, alive, obviously intelligent and probably a very kind spirit. Through the hardship you have become the wonderful person you are, you don't have to live in anxiety, let go of its' security that you get from it, let go and let be. It is all your choice. I would love to invite you to read the chapter titled "families you chose" on my blog, fathergodandi.blogspot.com
I, like you, also had a difficult life, but I used those hardships to build upon and like a butterfly changed in many good ways. Would I change past, no..it made me who I am, and I chose to be a kind, good and a loving person. Some people prefer the negative states of emotion, because it is easier to blame others, let past be past. You are well and so blessed. enjoy the blessings in your life, focus on them, not on past negative chapters.**Mary Ann
Write about it, Pam. Bring the demons out of the closet and put them on paper and make them bare the light. You will be free if you get them out. Allow your readers to know the horror that haunts you and makes you afraid to be authentic. You will be surprised. As one of my good friends told me, if people can't take you now, to Hell with 'em. Toss the "judges" away. Your anxiety will learn to leave with them.
We are listening.
Much love and especially courage to you.
xxAmy
I admire you, Sweetie. Sorry I have not been around but am glad I stopped by to see this post. Good for you for doing what you need to find freedom. You're awesome.
Thinking of you today and sending up a prayer for you! Blessings on ya!
tori, age 14.
if i'm understanding you correctly, your saying your mother was an alcoholic?
if i'm confused please correct me.
My mom is an alcoholic. though, she doesn't go out and drink. she always gets wasted here, in front of me and my younger sisters. their dad, my step-dad isn't home allot so we'r on our own allot when it comes to dealing with mom's drunken stupor and abuse; more verbal abuse than anything.
i just wanted to tell you that you are very inspiring, and your very brave to be sharing some of your childhood online.
it makes me feel like im not so alone.(:
Toriisme, Yes my mother was an alcoholic. A drunk and an abusive person.
I am sorry that you are going through the same thing. I know where you are coming from and I hope you have a safe place even if it is only in your mind. Just somewhere to escape from it all.
It has taken me years to overcome my childhood. I pray that you have a support system or friends to talk with.
Thank you for stopping by and for following. Remember it is your mother's addiction and not your fault.
may I suggest marianne williamson, a return to love on cd. I think you may find comfort in her material.
http://www.amazon.com/Return-Love-CD-Marianne-Williamson/dp/0060765100
What a very brave post, and inspiring to others who are going through the same/similar experiences. Thankfully alcoholism is one thing that hasn't blighted my life.
Well done for returning to therapy. Healing is very often an organic process, moving backwards and forwards when least expected, much like grief I often think. If you're doing inner child work, you may want to consider Recovery of your Inner Child by Lucia Capacchione, which is supposed to be very good (I have it, though I haven't been brave enough to work through very much of it)!
Ooops meant to add the amazon link:
http://www.amazon.com/Recovery-Your-Inner-Child-Liberating/dp/0671701355
and send hugs!! I hope you're getting lots of hugs xx
Splashlady, thank you for the comment and for stopping by. I will try to get the CD you recommended.
Mouse, I don't know how you know so much about therapy, but you are right. I like how you describe it as organic and shifting and moving. It is a lot like grieving. I never made that connection. Thanks for the info on inner child.
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