Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I am empty


In my therapy I am working on blame versus responsibility. This has been my home work assignment for this week. When I blame someone usually my Hubs, I give up my control and it makes him angry. Just as I expected the answer to be. When he blames me it has the same affect on me. I see just how childish laying blame to someone can be. In fact it is totally unproductive. Usually, I blame myself for everything. I know...I am working on it.

I am an empty vessel. I used to be full of life and I don't know what has happened to my zest for living. During therapy sessions I am finding out a lot of things about myself that I do not like. Maybe I am the one to blame for my emptiness. I have been so fully vested in my family's life that some how I forgot to invest in myself. This is frightening to me to realize that I have nothing in my vessel called life. I feel empty. Empty in a way that I have never felt empty. This is totally new to me. I am not sure what I should do about it. I feel alone. I am lonely. I am empty.

Responsibility on the other hand is sorta the same thing as blame but the outcome is different. I think responsibility one actually owns or accepts his knowledge of his part. You can grow with responsibility. It is good for you to be responsible. Take charge of you own stuff and quit blaming anyone for any other stuff. Pretty simple I would say.

I think when I remove the blame and the anger my vessel will fill up again. This is my prayer. This was an AHA moment for me. It got me down thinking that I was empty, alone and unhappy about my life. I am an empty vessel. Oh, I don't like the sound of that. I have always had my identity as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunt and grandmother. Take those away and I am nothing. Labels that identify myself. I prefer to be kind, loving, loyal, gentle, spirit filled, funny, compassionate in addition to my labels.

17 comments:

Melissa Mashburn said...

I can totally understand that empty feeling, as if you have no identity of your own. It is as if everything you are is tied up into other people. I have had to work so hard to change that. Part of what has helped has been finding something that had nothing to do with anyone else in the house. That has turned out to be my writing.

Maybe if you found something, a hobby or whatever, that is just yours it might help.

Just Be Real said...

Love your post Pam. To replace the your vessel which is full of blame and anger, etc. with the healthy side is what it is all about. I am right there with you dear one. Blessings.

Nessa said...

Very thought provoking post. So much to think about. Thanks.

Finding Pam said...

Melissa, thanks for the words of encouragement. I am lost without something to do. I did start scrap booking and writing, but I want to start oil painting again.

JBR, I know you know exactly what I am talking about. I appreciate your thoughts so much. Go forth and heal is my mantra.

Nessa, thank you for your comments as well. You are very kind.

Akelamalu said...

I see in your comment to Melissa you say you want to start painting again - do it! You need something just for you and if that's what you enjoy make the time and just do it. x

Gail said...

HI PAM-

Once, while facilitating a therapy group a young man commented how empty he was and he felt aone and that he had nothing. Years later he still remembers my response where I shared with him that he now had a clean slate and he could "fill it" any wya he chose to. And so he did, and 8 years later he owns a sober house for men, volunteers at the church and volunteers at our rehab, he is back with his daughters and hgas a full life.
Also, the responsibility verses bame thing - exhausting. I only know that YOUR power lies in what you can change or sustain about your self and no one else. The serenity prayer says it all...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the thints I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

LOved to you
Gail
peace and hnope.....

Rambling Woods said...

I am glad that you are brave enough to see someone and to tackle these issues..I understand what you are saying and I think we all fight this battle at one time or another. I am sending warm hugs my friend... Michelle

Rudee said...

...sigh...

I know this feeling well, and as the proverb says, this too shall pass.

It will.

Sandee said...

You'll figure this out. I just know it.

Have a terrific day and weekend. Big hug. :)

crochet lady said...

I pray you get filled up with the refreshing of God's Spirit. I think that is the only satisfying fullness we can ever experience.

Finding Pam said...

Akelamula,I know you are right about doing something just for me. I appreciate your understanding.

Gail, I am happy that young man filled his vessel full. What a worthy accomplishment he made.

I like what you said about filling it full of good stuff and what I like. I could not make it without prayer and the Serenity prayer in particular. I appreciate your help.

Michelle, you are so kind and understanding of life. I feel those hugs and am sending you some back.

Rudee, I am sorry that I did not tell you that I am already in a better place than when I wrote this post. I just have to ponder things and then apply them to my life. I am thankful this will pass.
Thanks for your friendship and support.

Sandee, I know it will all makes sense sooner than later. I think part of this process is to write about it. I really appreciate the words of encouragement.

Crochet Lady, that is the only way to heal. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

I can not thank you all enough for listening to me and for the wonderful support and friendship you have given me. It is nice to know each one of you.

She Writes said...

Taking responsibility for my stuff is always the most helpful in my life.

DeEtta said...

This is the third time I have tried to leave a comment but the computer decided to sign off. Maybe a third time is the charmer.

Search, ponder, and pray which I know you are doing. You will be better before you know because of your wonderful spirit and closeness to your Heavenly Father.

You are loved. Hugs and Prayers.

dawn said...

"I have been so fully vested in my family's life that some how I forgot to invest in myself."

This is so typical of a lot of women. Then one day we wake up and realize how alone and empty we feel.
Keep working on it Pam. It's hard to start taking care of yourself at first... you feel so guilty - but in time you will get better at it and the results are so worth it.
{Big Hugs}

Travis Cody said...

It takes a lot of courage not only to learn these things about yourself, but to understand them. And then once you understand, then you can explore any number of options for accepting or changing or discarding them.

Best wishes for your continuing journey.

Debra said...

I would be willing to say that most people struggle with feelings of emptiness at least once in their lives. Even Mother Theresa experienced this. Love prayer and hugs being sent your way this day.

"Then I went down to the potter's house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it. Jeremiah 18:3-4

Blessings,
Debra

Finding Pam said...

Amy, it does sound like good advice doesn't it? Thanks for coming by and commenting.

DeEtta, I am glad that you continued to post and that I received it. You have such a huge capacity for understanding life. I appreciate your kind words of wisdom.

Dawn, I don't know how you always know just the right thing to say. I hope to be like you one day and understand myself.

Travis, what a nice comment. I thank you for your support and compassion.

Debra, I am the clay waiting to be molded by God. I love that scripture. I appreciate your love, prayers and hugs. I feel them right now.

Thank you all for your friendship and for leaving me such suportive comments. You are the greatest.