Thursday, February 17, 2011

All I need is some sleep.

Some days it takes a lot of energy just to be me. With being sick with this head cold, working crazy at Valentines Day and not sleeping, I have been out of sorts with myself lately. I haven't slept since I stopped taking medicine for my RLS. It might not have helped that much with the RLS, but at least I did sleep some.

For the past three months I have functioned on very little sleep, maybe three to four hours of sleep. It has taken its toll on me because I find myself agitated and sleepy and well grumpy. I can't stand to be grumpy. No body likes to be around a grump.

Today at my doctor's visit, I told him about what was going on with me. During therapy, I also addressed this issue with my therapist. She said just tell him what you have told me today. So, today I decided to say something. I started with the nurse. She ask "How are you doing? and I said I've been a little blue and I don't know why?" The nurse proceeds to continue her check of my vitals and I tell her that I have never really slept because of my childhood. I use to wet the bed and would get beat with a belt. At seven, I had major surgery to correct a defective bladder neck, I still wet the bed and I still got beat.

I have told you this all before, first time I have told my new doctor. I was afraid he might give me some platitudes about rising early and going to sleep early, but no he didn't. I was astonished by his compassion. He said he could see it in my eyes. I teared up, he explained this vicious cycle to me. No sleep equals no rest, no healing of your body, no healing of your mind, equals more depression. Chronic insomnia equals bad things all around. I am so tired that I can barely keep my head up, but I learned something about my new doctor. He cares.

I ask him if my therapist had called him, he said "no". I was amazed that he picked up on this and I did not have to go into a lot of details about my life. I don't trust doctors, but this one assured me that there weren't many doctors he trusted either. I mention the RA and we talk. I tell him I try not to think about the pain because even after seeing two RA specialist, I am in denial about it.

He wants to test me again for the RA. I agree after listening to his talk about it. I really don't know if it is RA because one doctor said yes and treated me accordingly and the second doctor said I was in remission. My family doctor says that you never go into remission with RA. If it is not RA then it maybe a connective tissue problem. I let them take some of my blood. We'll see what they find out. At any rate, I am feeling more and more competent with my new doctor.

I always dread explaining myself to a new physician. Hoping that he won't think less of me. Why I care I don't even know. He knows my therapist and respects her highly. I hope that my numbers have gone down from the new meds I have been taking for the high triglycerides and cholesterol. I hope that my number is good for my diabetes. It scares me a bit to think that my body is not co-operating with my mind. In the mean time, my doctor has put me on a tried and true medicine. The side effects are sleep. I have been on this medicine years ago for depression, not for sleep. I know it works because I would fall asleep so fast. I am looking forward to some sweet dreams and lots of rest.

Believe it or not I am making some head way in therapy. I am my own worst enemy. I stop myself dead in my tracks when it involves success or achievement. Even compliments are hard to accept as I don't want any attention drawn to me. I want to remain invisible by choice. Can you see how blogging is really good for my soul. I share more with you guys than I do my own family. Of course about now, you are probably wishing I didn't share so much with all of you.


The Bear's Blog said...

Sweet Friend,

Lecture time - YOU are amazing. It takes a lot to openly talk about what you went through as a child, a little, sweet, precious girl.

YOU are loved by people that you don't even know - you are a masterpiece, made by GOD. And it hurts Him to see you so down on yourself.

Now, don't make me send Prudence over to stay with you - trust me - you don't want that. EVER. (o:

Seriously, you have my e-mail and you can talk to me anytime, about anything. I may cry with you but I am always here.


Sandee said...

Sleep is essential in good mental health as well as feeling good physically. I hope your new medication lets you sleep. That will make you feel much better all around.

Got my fingers crossed on the blood test too.

I think most of us are hard on ourselves. I know I can be to hard on me at times. Knowing it is half the battle.

Have a terrific day and a great nights sleep. Big hug. :)

Gail said...


I feel your pain and fears and exhaustion and grump too and it allmakaes sense. I know first hand the chalenge of mamaigng a major illness. I am so glad you trust your doctor - that means so much. I am not crazy about me neurologist but I have great faith in my PCP. I hope you continue to improve and get comfortable with the right interventions. I am praying gor you with heartfelt compassion.
Love Gail

Finding Pam said...

Joyce @ The Bear's Blog, You are so sweet and kind to give so much of yourself to me. It makes me feel so good to know that people I don't even know love and accept me for who I am.

Thank you for your compassion and empathy.

Hugs to you and the girls.

Sandee, I am learning in therapy not to be so hard on myself, though it is a real struggle. I know if I can sleep I will feel so much better.Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Gail,thank you so much for this comment. I know you understand how hard it can be to deal with illness.

I appreciate your compassion and understanding. I see that I am taking the right steps to get healthy and that is what counts most.

Peace and love to you,

The Bear's Blog said...


You NEVER have to say thank you. I am always here for you.

Blessings, sweet friend, BLESSINGS.

Sleep well tonight.

sarah said...

Hi Pam....I don't trust docs either but your new one sounds pretty good. I'm so sorry you're struggling...When I don't sleep...I can't function so I know how you feel...and I love the music on your blog...very calming. Hugs to you. Stay strong okay....

Finding Pam said...

Joyce at the Bear's Blog, you are a blessing to me. I am there for you as well.

Sarah, sleep is something that I can not function with out. I trust dentist even less. I am looking for a new one as we speak.

I am feeling like I have finally found some long needed help for myself. It feels right to me.

I hope all is well with you as well. I am sorry you do not sleep. It robs the day of any promise.

DeEtta said...

I never get tired of hearing about your healing process. I see myself in so many ways. I also dislike Doctors. It is a blessing to find one you can trust and who is kind and gentle. There is nothing more healing than being listened to and understood.

It's hard not to be hard on yourself, I know from experience, but instead realize what a special Daughter of God you are. "God don't make no junk" (just a little saying I like)

The best medicine for not being a grump is to get your rest. Sweet dreams and know that you are loved.

Just Be Real said...

Dearest Pam, I am so very sorry for your restless nights and lack of sleep. I have been experiencing this as well. Under different circumstances than you. Only wishing the best for you dear one. And please, do not worry about your comments to me. I did not take them the way you may have thought. Your opinion is very valuable to me. Thank you for being real. Blessings to you.

Ferd said...

Actually, I'm glad you are sharing, and I hope that through this medium you are indeed finding some answers, or encouragement, or at least the relief that comes from unloading.
I'm also glad you have a doctor who is helping not only your body, but your spirit.
I can see you have been given quite a few challenges. They demand attention, or they bring you down. Good for you that you are addressing them through the proper channels. It takes energy to do all that. You are taking good care of yourself!
Peace, Pam!
And happy dreams!

Rudee said...

I find your honesty here very moving. We've all had bumps in the road we must travel, but it looks like your bumps are really ski jumps in disguise. How you traversed them and landed on your feet is beyond my imagination, but you did.

I hope you get some good, restorative sleep. You deserve it--perhaps you could leave a note pad by your bed and give it your thoughts before you lie down. Maybe in this way, those thoughts will have a safe place to stay outside of your mind while you work on getting healthy.

Finding Pam said...

DeEtta, you always leave the most positive comments. I feel all of your positive affirmations and love you for being such a good friend. You say just the right things to me. I never heard this as a child.

JBR, thank you for empathy with my sleep problems. I also thank you for being such an honest person. You know that I would never say anything I thought would hurt you. Thank you for understanding me.

Ferd, I imagine that I would trust you as a doctor. Please take no offense if I express my fear of doctors that stems from my childhood experiences. It is difficult to find a new doctor and to build a good patient/doctor relationship.

It is important as a patient for me to trust my doctor because then I will do what he wants me to do. LOL! I saw my family doctor for twenty-five years and when he moved it was so difficult to replace him.

Rudee, I hope you are still enjoying your vacation on the beach. I really liked what you said about writing those things down on a piece of paper at night. It will be a positive reinforcement for me to physically leave those thoughts behind. Good advice.

I am honest to a fault and sometimes that gets me in big trouble. Therefore I am learning to think before I respond to a situation. I appreciate your support.

In fact, all of you are the best to give of yourself so freely. I feel a connection to all of you. Thank you all for being a cheerleader to me.

Akelamalu said...

A doctor that actually listens is worth their weight in gold. I'm glad you've found one. x

Finding Pam said...

Akelumula, You are so right about a doctor that listens.I am in good hands.

Xmichra said...

I like your doctor too :) And am very glad that they are listening to you not only with compassion, but with hope.

I don't feel you overstep your sharing, and feel that you using this space to be 100% you when you write... well, I feel blessed to be a part of that choice. (((hugs)))

You are an amazing woman Pam. Don't think less of your truth, I certainly don't.

Finding Pam said...

Xmichra, well I don't know what to kind of blew me away with your comment. I am so glad that you don't think any less of me. I appreciate your comment and your friendship most of all.

It surprises me just what you see in me. You know it is hard to see what you see in me,and you know just how hard it is for me to say thank you.

Just Be Real said...

Hoping that you were able to sleep better....

Finding Pam said...

JBR, I am not sleeping yet, but I feel positive that it will happen in time.

I was up until about three last night and slept in until eleven. My doctor prescribed Trazodone for my sleep. A lot better than Clonazapam which is a controlled class II drug.

I hope you are sleeping.

Travis Cody said...

It's good that you're easing into trusting your doc. He made you feel comfortable telling him something that still causes you mental pain, and physical trouble by preventing you from relaxing enough to sleep well.

That's good progress and something positive on which to build. Focus on the good feeling you had when your doc offered help and suggestions.

Finding Pam said...

Travis, I like the way you think. I am hopeful that all will get better in time.

Trust is a big issue for me because a lot of folks lied to me as a little kid. I am working on it though.

Melissa said...

Sleep is a good thing, and I understand what it is like to go through day after day of never getting enough of it. I also have RLS. As matter of fact I am having a hard time sitting still right now. My depression medications make my symptoms worse. Right now I am taking mirapex for my symptoms. My mother has extremely severe RLS symptoms. In fact, we see the same doctor of our RLS, and he says she is the worst case he has ever seen. For a long time she was taking mirapex and methadone for her symptoms. Even with that she was still getting very little sleep at night. Now she is on oxycondone and mirapex. That seems to be a better combination for her symptoms. She still has break through symptoms but at least it is not as horrible as it has been.
My point in all this is there might be some medication or medication combination that might help with your symptoms. There are some things that will make your symptoms worse, and I would be happy to let you know what they are if you want.