Some days it takes a lot of energy just to be me. With being sick with this head cold, working crazy at Valentines Day and not sleeping, I have been out of sorts with myself lately. I haven't slept since I stopped taking medicine for my RLS. It might not have helped that much with the RLS, but at least I did sleep some.
For the past three months I have functioned on very little sleep, maybe three to four hours of sleep. It has taken its toll on me because I find myself agitated and sleepy and well grumpy. I can't stand to be grumpy. No body likes to be around a grump.
Today at my doctor's visit, I told him about what was going on with me. During therapy, I also addressed this issue with my therapist. She said just tell him what you have told me today. So, today I decided to say something. I started with the nurse. She ask "How are you doing? and I said I've been a little blue and I don't know why?" The nurse proceeds to continue her check of my vitals and I tell her that I have never really slept because of my childhood. I use to wet the bed and would get beat with a belt. At seven, I had major surgery to correct a defective bladder neck, I still wet the bed and I still got beat.
I have told you this all before, first time I have told my new doctor. I was afraid he might give me some platitudes about rising early and going to sleep early, but no he didn't. I was astonished by his compassion. He said he could see it in my eyes. I teared up, he explained this vicious cycle to me. No sleep equals no rest, no healing of your body, no healing of your mind, equals more depression. Chronic insomnia equals bad things all around. I am so tired that I can barely keep my head up, but I learned something about my new doctor. He cares.
I ask him if my therapist had called him, he said "no". I was amazed that he picked up on this and I did not have to go into a lot of details about my life. I don't trust doctors, but this one assured me that there weren't many doctors he trusted either. I mention the RA and we talk. I tell him I try not to think about the pain because even after seeing two RA specialist, I am in denial about it.
He wants to test me again for the RA. I agree after listening to his talk about it. I really don't know if it is RA because one doctor said yes and treated me accordingly and the second doctor said I was in remission. My family doctor says that you never go into remission with RA. If it is not RA then it maybe a connective tissue problem. I let them take some of my blood. We'll see what they find out. At any rate, I am feeling more and more competent with my new doctor.
I always dread explaining myself to a new physician. Hoping that he won't think less of me. Why I care I don't even know. He knows my therapist and respects her highly. I hope that my numbers have gone down from the new meds I have been taking for the high triglycerides and cholesterol. I hope that my number is good for my diabetes. It scares me a bit to think that my body is not co-operating with my mind. In the mean time, my doctor has put me on a tried and true medicine. The side effects are sleep. I have been on this medicine years ago for depression, not for sleep. I know it works because I would fall asleep so fast. I am looking forward to some sweet dreams and lots of rest.
Believe it or not I am making some head way in therapy. I am my own worst enemy. I stop myself dead in my tracks when it involves success or achievement. Even compliments are hard to accept as I don't want any attention drawn to me. I want to remain invisible by choice. Can you see how blogging is really good for my soul. I share more with you guys than I do my own family. Of course about now, you are probably wishing I didn't share so much with all of you.