Sunday, February 13, 2011

A time to live and a time to die

What a week it has been. My DIL drove down last week in that horrible snow storm that covered the nation down to Louisiana. Her dad, who has been in a nursing home for a few years, had a heart attack, they revived him twice only to leave him brain dead. Why would they resuscitate him twice when he has a DNR on his charts. By the time Cj and her sister made it home to Louisiana, they had to make the decision to unplug their dad. I can't even imagine how difficult a decision this was for her.

A lot of her family members were giving her a lot of grief about that decision. She weighed out what the doctors said, listened to her three siblings, her uncle and aunt and made what was the best decision for their dad. Thankfully, he passed within ten minutes. Still it is dramatic to be the one in charge of such a fateful and final decision. She longs not to be the strong one, but I tell her there is a reason for her strength. Better her than one of her siblings? I think she knows I am right.

On Tuesday, I drive to Louisiana for her dad's funeral. My sister drives from her town and meets us there. The one thing I remember when our mother died was the kindness of people that came to her grave side services. No one really new our mother because she had just moved to my town from Florida. We did not run her obit in the paper before because of the time constraints. That weekend two young boys were killed in a car wreck. I had my flower shop and we worked on all of their funeral flowers all day.

My best friend did my mother's flowers and later that day I left to go and attend my mother's funeral and then drive to Louisiana for her graveside service. While there weren't many folks there the ones that came made a difference. I returned home just in time to deliver the flowers for the two boys services. There was no time to grieve. That is just how it was. I never took any time off. I was glad that I had work to distract my thoughts, but it was hard not to let my emotions run away with those sad thoughts.

I cried for a full year. Everyday...I went to sleep crying, woke up crying and cried a whole river of tears. I cried at work, I cried when I had to make deliveries to the same hospital that she died in, I cried on every holiday. I never knew loosing my mother would hurt so much. Nothing in life prepares you for this. Nothing at all.

My DIL and her sister stayed with us the last two days before heading back to Colorado. Even though I was still sick, I know she appreciated my attendance at the funeral as well as my sister's. I can never keep a gift so I gave her all of the gifts I had been collecting for her and our son. I think that cheered her up. We went to the flower shop where I work and we bought a few more gifts. They headed back to Colorado on Thursday and made it in record time. I know she was missing her family.

That has been my week so far. I am still coughing and hacking up all this stuff in my head. I worked Friday and will go in today to finish up Valentine's orders. Then work tomorrow. Did I tell you that I am not a fan of Valentine's Day? Thank goodness it just comes once a year. I call it torture your local florist day. LOL! I will survive, but I will be stiff and sore from all of the standing.

I wish you kindness and much love.
I can't believe I am going to say this, but...Happy Valentine's Day.


Gail said...


oh my, you have had quite a week. I hope you get some quiet 'down-time' to catch up with yourself. I have read on another blog about a Mom's passing and I cried with her and I am crying with you over your Mom - I know how fragile life is and with my Mom so sick right now I get so scared. Let's all hang on together. And ya, "Happy Valentine's Day" :-)
Love Gail

Finding Pam said...

Gail, I am sorry to hear that your mom is not doing good. It is something you are never prepared for even if you know.

My mother passed twenty years ago and it still hurts. I hope you will fogive me for writing about my mom when you mom is so sick.

Peace and love be with you.

The Bear's Blog said...

Dear Friend,

You are in my prayers (of course). My Mom is gone (from earth) almost 3.5 years and I don't think I will ever get my sparkle back. I just miss my parents to pieces. They were (are) truly a gift from God. And I can't wait to be reunited with them, and our pets.

Please take care of yourself. Just remember - tomorrow shall pass. And then it's time for "Pam Time". Treat yourself to something special, MAKE "me time" for yourself.

Love you dear friend. Let's do a "Happy February 15 Day" instead.


Travis Cody said...

I'm sorry for your loss.

Gail said...

oh my, no apologies , please. And I should tell you also that although my Mom is quite ill, 5th stage kidney disease (there are only 5 stages), she is on dialysis and adjusting to it. She is a living miracle and was right on death's door- so each day is a gift, a precious gift that she is rallying and still here and SO brave. Our fear is in knowing that the dialysis is very hard on her other organs, especially her heart and she is quite fragile - but hanging in. Hallelujah!!
Love Gail

DeEtta said...

You have had quite the week. It is a blessing your DIL was strong. I think it would have been harder to see your mom brain dead. At least we know she is in a better place and is happy.

You get over your cold and have a Happy Valentine's Day making others happy by your floral arrangements.

Much love,

Finding Pam said...

Joyce @ THe Bear's BLog, I know what you mean about loosing your parents. NOthing prepares you for the void you feel when they are gone. I,too, rejoice in the day that we all meet again. Oh happy day...

I had to chuckle about doing the happy dance on the 15th because that is my dear husband's birthday. So I will keep you in my prayers as well, sweet friend.
My boss gave me a manicure and a pedicure for Valentine's day. She is so generous.

Travis, thank you for the comment about my DIL's Dad. He will be missed.

Gail, your Mom sounds like a very strong woman. I will keep her in my prayers as well as you. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be on dialysis. Blessings to you.

DeEtta, My DIL is a strond woman and I am so blessed to love her as our own.

I wish you could see just how beautiful the cooler looks at work. It is filled to the brim with flower arrangements. THe smell is intoxicating.

I worked this afternoon and will go in tomorrow. I will try to get a picture of the flowers.

I am almost over this cold. It has hung on for a long time.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Ferd said...

Wow, that was a tough week! Even tougher when you're not feeling well.

My 2nd daughter is my DPOA-HC because I know she will honor my wishes, whether she agrees with them or not. My oldest daughter is a good, smart, headstrong person who would probably not be able to put her own wishes aside. That's why we pick certain people for these very difficult decisions.

I was so sorry to hear about your mom. I'm sure that's a hurt you will carry for always. :-(

I hope Valentine's Day is quickly over for you. Then you can rest a bit until Mother's Day! (I had a friend in the flower business. He hated most holidays.)

She Writes said...


Akelamalu said...

With siblings one usually has to be the strong one. When my mother was dying I stayed the night to be with her and help my Dad, I knew she wouldn't last much longer. My younger brothers asked if they should stay but I told them to go home and I would call if need be, I wanted to protect them, I was the strong one. I'm sorry you're having such a traumatic time at the moment Pam. x

jennifer said...

Pam, I am so sorry for your DIL's loss and the difficult decision that she had to make. It sounds to me like she honored her father by not leaving him to suffer. God offers grace and I think she extended grace to her dad.

I'm not a fan of Valentine's day either but it isn't because I'm a tortured florist. I'm just always really happy to see this day over with so I can get on with living LOVE 365 without cheesy reminders in the store.

Take something ahead of time to help you deal with the soreness - I hate to think of you hurting from making others happy.

Hugs Pam! And a grudging Happy Valentine's Day back atcha ;)

ps... my eyes teared up when you wrote about your mother. I'm not sure how I'll cope in this world without mind and I hope it is LOOOOOONG into the future before that happens.

Finding Pam said...

Ferd, it is important to have someone that will honor your wishes when the time comes. You are smart to have this in place.

I still love flowers and designing after all of these years, but some holidays are more difficult than other. Valentines is the biggest one yet. I am the late shift at work today. I go in at eleven til who knows? I liked what you did for Princess Gail.

Amy @ She Writes...Thank you my friend.

Akelamula, you are a good daughter for taking care of your mom. Do you ever get over the loss? I still miss my crazy mom.

Finding Pam said...

Jennifer, your comment must have slipped in while I was answering to my comments.

You are so sweet and kind to me. I appreciate your comments so much.

The good news is that my son and his family are moving on the 19th of March. They will come here first to visit and then on to Alabama. I am so excited that I can barely wait to see them.

Sissy and I are already planning a trip to Montgomery.

mielikki said...

Happy Florist Torture Day.
Sorry you've had such a week. Your daughter in law sounds like a strong, courageous young woman...

Linda said...

Hi Pam... Saw the title on Dawn's blogroll... wanted to read your story and say hi.

I went through it with my dad in August, and I admire your courage and sensitivity in posting the way things really are. Take care...

Just Be Real said...

Pam you have had some week. I am sorry for your loss dear one. Hugs to you.

Finding Pam said...

Linda, thank you for stopping by and commenting. I am sorry for your loss of your father. It takes a lot of time to heal from such a deep loss.Nice to meet you.

JBR, thank you so much my friend. Hugs to you.

Chickie said...

What a time your family has had to go through. I'm sorry.

Reading about you crying after your Mother,I can't even think about that with my Mom. It makes my stomach hurt.

Hope you've had time to recover from everything now that Valentine's Day is out of the way!

Finding Pam said...

Chickie, Every now and then something triggers my emotions about my mother. Her birthday was in Feb. and she would have been 84 years old. She died too young at 65years of age.

I have almost recovered from working Valentine's Day. I survived another heart day.

Are you guys at Disney?