Today I made a huge break through in my therapy. It made me cry. Not much makes me cry, but today was the first time I cried in front of my therapist. What would make me cry?
It starts with my half sister, Sharon. Recently, she and I have reconnected. I really value her friendship. I want to protect that friendship as well. As a child, I did not get to have a loving family. There was no trust and I could never depend on my family. This is a basic need that every child should experience. I can not relate to having a father around. I don't even understand that sort of relationship. I see women who adore their dads and I am clueless as to what that must feel like. The life I knew was not like most families. I would not even know what a normal family was like. As far as I knew, our life was normal. That is really a joke when I think about it.
I didn't realize what I missed out on as a child. Yes, I knew things were different. Life was hard. Getting to know Sharon has been such a blessing. She is so kind and sweet to me. She doesn't have to be, but she is. I love her for that. I know she loves me, too. I want to protect that relationship. To safe guard it. It is precious to me. The thought of ever hurting her makes me sad.
Candy, my sister, remembers so much more about our life before our parents divorced. I have blocked out a lot of the pain. I guess it is a way to protect myself from the memories and from the ugly truth. What am I afraid of? I am afraid that my sister will tell her bad things about our dad to our half sister. I can't believe I would even suggest that she would do that, but I am afraid that she would. Sharon, our half sister feels great sorrow for what we went through. I can tell it bothers her. She is very compassionate.
We are more alike than my sister, Candy and I are. While Sharon says that Kenny, one of her brothers, is probably like Candy. They are both quite and retrospective while Sharon and I are eternal optimists and happy people. Sharon is very generous in spirit. She tells me that I am like our father. I like knowing that she can see some of the good traits in me that our father had.
What made my cry was the thought of Sharon ever being hurt. I don't want her to know anything bad about our father. She had him all of her life. It is bittersweet. She ask me did I ever wonder if momma and daddy had never divorced what our lives might have been like? Then she said she would not have been born if my parents had not divorced. It is bittersweet. I am thankful that she had a good childhood with two parents that loved her dearly. Something I will never understand what that feels like. It makes me really sad to have missed out on having a family.
Have you ever seen an orphaned kitty or puppy? The little kitten or puppy missed out on being fully loved, socialized and connected. I see that with this little kitten that we adopted. Her momma was trying to move the three little kittens as cats often do before their eyes are opened. My kitten was found in the shrubs and the other two kittens died. Her eyes were not even opened. A woman found this little kitten, she bottle fed it, loved it, but it was not the same as having her real momma. I see Baby, our little kitten, still trying to nurse on our comforter, she goes through the motions even when she is drinking water with her paws motioning on the floor like she is nursing. She is so pitiful. It pains me to see her like that. My other two cats have taken her under their wings. They have shown her things like how to play and catch things. She lacks in ways that most would not perceive or understand. I understand it all too well.
While others tried to love me I always felt incomplete. Seems like every time we got a new step dad that they didn't hang around very long. As a little child, there was no safety. No security...No one to trust. No one kept their promises. Disappointment one after the other is all I ever knew. It is hard to learn new things when you are guarded and expecting someone to hurt you, someone to leave you. Hardest of all was feeling like our father did not want us. Yep, this was all to normal for me and my sister.
Today, I realized...I don't even know if I can aptly describe it, but... Sharon loves me and does not have to love me. That is huge to have someone love me unconditionally. I never felt that before and it confused me at first...then it hit me. I am thankful for my half sister and I am so glad that she came into my life. I cherish her.
While I love my sister, Candy. Our past is sealed with sorrow, and pain. It is different having Sharon as a sister because she is well adjusted and was loved. It shows in her life. As for me...I am like that little kitten, I had to substitute different things in my life to survive. Be it food, self hate, low self esteem, and many other self defeating attitudes. I didn't have a family to nurture me, or to show me the way. Even through this break through, I am OK. I am better able to understand where some of my behaviors come from. I am not sure if any of this makes sense, but I hope you get it.