Sunday, January 29, 2012

I'm still here and I'm venting...

We are going on forty-three days taking care of Candy. It has been a challenge. Sometimes this feels like a life sentence and I don't like myself for being so selfish. I honestly don't see an end to this. She can't remember what day of the week it is or conversations we have already had. She can't take care of herself. She has lots of accidents and spills things on my furniture and carpet. Four times, I have ask her not to take cran-grape juice to her bedroom and four times she has spilled it on the carpet and the bed.

She is in a lot of pain from her back. She moans and groans so much that I am about to loose it. I finally told her that making all that noise doesn't help her feel any better. Is she the only one in pain? I think not, but I don't complain about my pain.

We've lost all privacy. No more quite times in our home. Constant chattering. She talks incessantly to us, our cats, the dog and her cat. While I feel like she is the selfish one and not me, I'm sure I am the selfish one. My patience is limited. I am stuck in a place that I don't like to be and I see no end in sight. I am constantly apologizing for my bad behavior. I don't want to be this person, but sadly I am. We (Hubs and I ) live a solitary life without much drama or chaos. I know I'm going to miss this when she is gone?

The plans for her future are long and drawn out. She is a hoarder. In the last twenty years, I have helped her purge and clean her home so many times that I can't even remember. I'm just the opposite. Clutter makes me crazy. One of the differences Candy pointed out between us. According to her, I am OCD and super organized, while she says she is a free spirit and unorganized. There may be some truth to this. Sadly, I know this will take months for us to clean up her home. I am dreading it.

She acts like a four old with no breakers on her impulsiveness. If she wants it she gets it. She tells me that she is a grown woman, and I tell her to act like it then. I feel that her life style has put her in this situation. How's that working for you, sis? Sadly, I'm afraid that she will not make the changes she needs to make. Only time will tell.

I am sure that I drive her crazy as well. I am thankful I'm able to care for her, but inside I am feeling some resentment. Good grief! Why am I acting this way? Her comments painfully remind me of our childhood. I feel that she thinks she is superior to me. I feel that I have out grown her shadow. She is trying to put me back in that shadow. Folks...I'm not going back there. Do older sisters do that to the younger sister?

Sister has other problems and I feel small for complaing. We go to the doctor Feb. 1st. I hope to get some answers to my questions. So many things I don't understand about her bi-polar illness. What is causing the memory loss? I wonder if that has a lot to do with it? Well...there I've finished my rant. I hope today will be better. Please excuse me today as I have had it.


Travis Cody said...

No need to ask for forgiveness for venting your frustrations. You have to have a place to get that out of your mind so you can maintain your sanity.

Hang in there. It can't be easy to care for a loved one like this.

Finding Pam said...

Travis, thank you for your comment. I appreciate the support.

Mike Golch said...

hey vent all you want we don't mind just be tolerent of our venting as well. Big Time Hug.

Just Be Real said...

Pam thanks for sharing. Girl you vent. Here listening and safe hugs to you during this most very difficult time.

Finding Pam said...

Hey Mike, I am always more tolerant of others venting than myself. Nice to hear from you.

JBR, thanks for the hugs and understanding. Love ya.

DeEtta said...

Vent all you want. This has got to be hard on you, I can't even imagine. Know that you are loved an are in my thoughts and prayers. In the end, you will be blessed and stronger.

Rudee said...

I'm so glad you didn't post then change your mind and remove this! You deserve answers and you deserve to be treated with respect and it's not unreasonable to expect your belongings to be treated with respect, too.

As for hoarding-vs-neat and tidy? I'll take a clean environment any day.

Repeat after me, "I will not allow her to manipulate me," and keep saying it. For that my dear is exactly what she's doing. Sure she is not well, but neither are you her solely responsible for her well being. Sounds to me like she needs assisted living--and not with you as her primary care give.

Reading this irritated me on your behalf, so my reply is just my two cents. Take it with a grain of salt.

Many hugs.

Akelamalu said...

It's always difficult looking after someone with an illness, especially a frustrating one. Better you vent here than keep it in side where it will fester. Take heart. x

Maura @ Lilac Lane Cottage said...

Hi Pam...I am so far behind in reading my Blogs that I had no idea that you have been going through all this. I'm so sorry! I didn't know your sister had a second heart attack and then the episode with your sisters gosh! Oh boy I'm a pretty quiet person but I don't think I would have been able to keep my mouth shut and then I would have regretted it. Well sort of. My heart goes out to you and your whole family. Thank heaven's you have a place to go to VENT and please NEVER apologize for doing that. We ALL need a place where we can say what's on our minds and in our hearts and know that we won't be judged. Who are we to judge anyway! I hope and pray that things work themselves out for you and your sister and I also hope that you get some time to yourself once in a while. Hang in there Pam..there's a lot of people out here who are wishing the best for you and who are keeping you in their prayers. X

Finding Pam said...

DeEtta, thank you my sweet friend for your comment. Love you.

Rudee..."I will not allow her to manipulate me". Thank you Rudee for being my advocate and for the sage wisdom you have. I'm working on it.

Akelamula, I appreciate your understanding of my situation. It has to get better.

Maura, Thank you for your comment. I appreciate the fact that a lot of folks are praying for me. I am thankful that all of my friends do understand my situation.

I've so many good blog friends that I am a bit embarrased to complain. I care too much about what my friends think about me. Basically, I am a good person that has been pushed to my limit.
Love ya.