We are going on forty-three days taking care of Candy. It has been a challenge. Sometimes this feels like a life sentence and I don't like myself for being so selfish. I honestly don't see an end to this. She can't remember what day of the week it is or conversations we have already had. She can't take care of herself. She has lots of accidents and spills things on my furniture and carpet. Four times, I have ask her not to take cran-grape juice to her bedroom and four times she has spilled it on the carpet and the bed.
She is in a lot of pain from her back. She moans and groans so much that I am about to loose it. I finally told her that making all that noise doesn't help her feel any better. Is she the only one in pain? I think not, but I don't complain about my pain.
We've lost all privacy. No more quite times in our home. Constant chattering. She talks incessantly to us, our cats, the dog and her cat. While I feel like she is the selfish one and not me, I'm sure I am the selfish one. My patience is limited. I am stuck in a place that I don't like to be and I see no end in sight. I am constantly apologizing for my bad behavior. I don't want to be this person, but sadly I am. We (Hubs and I ) live a solitary life without much drama or chaos. I know I'm going to miss this when she is gone?
The plans for her future are long and drawn out. She is a hoarder. In the last twenty years, I have helped her purge and clean her home so many times that I can't even remember. I'm just the opposite. Clutter makes me crazy. One of the differences Candy pointed out between us. According to her, I am OCD and super organized, while she says she is a free spirit and unorganized. There may be some truth to this. Sadly, I know this will take months for us to clean up her home. I am dreading it.
She acts like a four old with no breakers on her impulsiveness. If she wants it she gets it. She tells me that she is a grown woman, and I tell her to act like it then. I feel that her life style has put her in this situation. How's that working for you, sis? Sadly, I'm afraid that she will not make the changes she needs to make. Only time will tell.
I am sure that I drive her crazy as well. I am thankful I'm able to care for her, but inside I am feeling some resentment. Good grief! Why am I acting this way? Her comments painfully remind me of our childhood. I feel that she thinks she is superior to me. I feel that I have out grown her shadow. She is trying to put me back in that shadow. Folks...I'm not going back there. Do older sisters do that to the younger sister?
Sister has other problems and I feel small for complaing. We go to the doctor Feb. 1st. I hope to get some answers to my questions. So many things I don't understand about her bi-polar illness. What is causing the memory loss? I wonder if that has a lot to do with it? Well...there I've finished my rant. I hope today will be better. Please excuse me today as I have had it.