There is something to be said about survival. There is just one definition for the word as it applied to my life. Survival, was to make it through the day with out being humiliated, embarrassed, abused, ashamed, unloved and just kicked in the gut so much that you don't ever think you can escape your life. Some how, by the Grace of God, you survived it; you are so damaged from the things in your young life that you don't even know what a normal life was like. How can people hurt another human being? How can a parent hurt their child with out caring? How could a parent be so selfish? This happens everyday for a child somewhere. I thought I was alone, but I found others that had experienced similar childhoods. It was comforting to know that I was not alone, but saddening to realize that so many children suffered as I did. This is my story and I hope it gives strength to others that have suffered and survived at the hands of people that were suppose to love them. I spent the first twenty years just trying to survive my life, the next twenty years trying to forget my life, while I married and raised a family. Now, twenty years later, I am trying to understand it and to let go of my painful past.
I was the second girl born to Kenneth and Mary Lou Green on a stormy night at the old Schumpert Hospital in Shreveport, Louisiana on April 11,1950. My earliest memories of life began at 602 Thornhill Drive in Shreveport. We lived in a white frame house on the corner and life seemed idealistic; so pure and simple. We had a terraced back yard with a glass greenhouse with all sorts of Cacti that was attached to the garage and a shuffle board court, but beyond that was my favorite place, the sunken gardens. A long path of steps led down through banana trees, ferns and a jungle of plants to my paradise. It was like a “ Secret Garden” full of long lived days of summer and fun. I felt safe there. Oh, how I loved the outdoors, my sister and I would take shower baths in these large metal tubs, just the right size to hang out and stay cool and occupied with nothing but the joy of the moment. We had so much fun there, that I never wanted to leave that place. Large trees surrounded us with lots of shade, but there in the middle was a beautiful circle of sunshine. This was surely my heaven, this beautiful place of peace and quiet and tranquility. Full of butterflies, birds, soft summer breezes and glorious haunting smells of gardenia and jasmine. My heaven, my haven.
As much as I loved the outdoors, the opposite was true of the indoors. Something was so ominous, so suffocating; just being inside this house made me afraid. The inside terrified me and I had horrible nightmares about snakes hanging off my opened closet doors. The inside of this house was dark, foreboding of things not yet apparent; filled with a tension that I could not understand or grasp hold. I felt trapped there with no control over my life, but on the outside I was free and could run like the wind. I was safe and no one could hurt me in my green heaven.
Little did I know that my happy life was falling apart. Piece by piece my life was no longer my heaven, my sanctuary, my safety, but instead my life became a hell hole that I could not escape. A deep dark hole where I buried my feelings, the horrors of my childhood, a form of self defense, and survival. I never remember my mother being in the house or taking care of us. I do have some odd memories of her though, like having unbirthday parties. No reason to celebrate, but she needed to celebrate, so momma would bake a cake and we would pretend. Lots of unbirthday parties to disassociate and disconnect; to bury our feelings in food. To hide our disappointments and bury our sadness.
My earliest memory was getting my foot caught in the back of the spokes of my sister's bicycle. We were speeding down this black top road by our house and we had made several successful trips, but on the last one I got hurt. It was bad and I had to go and get it sewn up by the doctor. Just remember being held down and seeing this curved needle sewing my heel back together. After the ordeal was over, I had to walk on crutches until it healed. I could not believe that my family left on their vacation with out me. Daddy stayed home with me, while everyone else left. I thought I was suppose to go on that trip, but they just left me. This was one of the first memories I have of being abandoned.
To be continued later....
You shouldn't believe everything you tell yourself. FEELINGS aren't FACTS.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Safety
Last week I started going to a therapist to discuss some of my anxiety based problems. While I have not had an attack in a few years, I do have some things that are bothering me. I can't seem to work through them by myself and it is holding me back from being my authentic self.
I would like to feel safe. I have never felt safe...never ever. Things from my child hood keep me from feeling secure and safe. Safety is a real issue for me. Once we lived in a old three story apartment building. Mother called it the penthouse. It was the top floor and our door was half glass and not secure. Strangers would come up to the top floor looking for someones apartment at all hours of the night. My sister and I stayed alone most of the time because our mother was anything but a mother. She was gone most of the times and at night it was frightening. My sister and I were afraid that someone would break the glass in the door and get us.
I always planned my escape route from fire, but in reality I needed an escape from my mother and her crazy behaviour. I pretended I was tough so she would not know how deeply she wounded me. I was stubborn and determined not to let her beatings show pain on my face. I just took it. No tears, no fear.
This is a place I have revisited many times before. I have had some therapy before and thought I had purged myself of these memories. Faced up to them. I have left a lot of baggage in dying moments, which set me free to start being myself. Then unexpectedly out of the blue... Kabam! it resurfaces it ugly head.
I am reluctant to talk about this, but it is one of the reasons I started my blog. Hence the name..Finding Pam. In my journey I hope to rid myself of this extra baggage. This is where I am at the moment. I am struggling to say a float, but like the movie...Hope Floats and I plan to have hope.
When you live with an alcoholic there is no room for anyone else's ego except the alcoholic. The world revolves around them. When you are a child you have no choice but to accept it. Some of the things I am struggling with are besides safety are consistency and why I am afraid to succeed. I am suppose to work on my expectations and goals and make things happen. That is a lot to do right now.
I would like to feel safe. I have never felt safe...never ever. Things from my child hood keep me from feeling secure and safe. Safety is a real issue for me. Once we lived in a old three story apartment building. Mother called it the penthouse. It was the top floor and our door was half glass and not secure. Strangers would come up to the top floor looking for someones apartment at all hours of the night. My sister and I stayed alone most of the time because our mother was anything but a mother. She was gone most of the times and at night it was frightening. My sister and I were afraid that someone would break the glass in the door and get us.
I always planned my escape route from fire, but in reality I needed an escape from my mother and her crazy behaviour. I pretended I was tough so she would not know how deeply she wounded me. I was stubborn and determined not to let her beatings show pain on my face. I just took it. No tears, no fear.
This is a place I have revisited many times before. I have had some therapy before and thought I had purged myself of these memories. Faced up to them. I have left a lot of baggage in dying moments, which set me free to start being myself. Then unexpectedly out of the blue... Kabam! it resurfaces it ugly head.
I am reluctant to talk about this, but it is one of the reasons I started my blog. Hence the name..Finding Pam. In my journey I hope to rid myself of this extra baggage. This is where I am at the moment. I am struggling to say a float, but like the movie...Hope Floats and I plan to have hope.
When you live with an alcoholic there is no room for anyone else's ego except the alcoholic. The world revolves around them. When you are a child you have no choice but to accept it. Some of the things I am struggling with are besides safety are consistency and why I am afraid to succeed. I am suppose to work on my expectations and goals and make things happen. That is a lot to do right now.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
In Loving Memory of Dr. John
One of my favorite bloggers has died and gone on to be with our Lord. Dr. John was so many things to so many people. He was a brilliant writer that brought life to Portrait of Words and especially at his own blog.
Every Sunday, Dr. John had a wonderful sermon for us. He loved the Lord and touched so many lives through his blog. He wrote tales from Pigeon Falls with pastor Joan. He gave encouragement to me when I needed it most. He was true friend and honest in all he said.
I know that his journey has just begun and that the best is yet to come. Farewell.... Dr. John. I lift up his sweet wife, Betty and their family. May they feel our arms wrapped around them.
If you would like to sign his guest book for Betty and their family, please go to Thom's blog at http://tp4ww.com/ to pay your condolences.
Every Sunday, Dr. John had a wonderful sermon for us. He loved the Lord and touched so many lives through his blog. He wrote tales from Pigeon Falls with pastor Joan. He gave encouragement to me when I needed it most. He was true friend and honest in all he said.
I know that his journey has just begun and that the best is yet to come. Farewell.... Dr. John. I lift up his sweet wife, Betty and their family. May they feel our arms wrapped around them.
If you would like to sign his guest book for Betty and their family, please go to Thom's blog at http://tp4ww.com/ to pay your condolences.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Winter Wonderland in east Texas
Front Yard Last week it snowed. I don't think it has snowed like this in more than twenty years. It is gorgeous and I didn't get to play in it any because I was making flower arrangements for the flower shop. Today, I threw a snow ball at my lab, Suzie. She was not impressed at all.
Back Yard
My back patio
Birds area in back yard
Back Patio
My favorite old treeI forgot to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
A Time of Reflection
I have been thinking about missed opportunities as of late. Each day goes by so swiftly that before I know it the week is over and then another month has escaped me and I ask myself "Where did this month go?" I began to take note of what I had been doing with my time only to find out that I did very little with my time to consider it well used.
There are so many things left that I want to do and I find myself falling way short on accomplishing them. I am guessing you know what I do with some of my time? BLOGGING...I spend too much time reading blogs. Some days I spend a couple of hours reading them and drinking my morning coffee. My writing has been slow to come and I don't feel like I have much to say right now. My writing comes and goes. Some times my thoughts are too personal to even write them.
During this time of reflection, I find that while I enjoy my blog friends greatly, a lot of things go undone and I spend a lot of time playing catch up. I work part time as a floral designer and it goes with out saying that this week is a very busy time for me. I love working as much as I enjoy blogging. So that is the second most time consuming thing I do. What about the rest of the day you might ask? You know it takes a lot of time to swallow medicine and vitamins. I do that twice a day. I have tea in the afternoon around three. Ironing takes up some time too.
I spend a lot of time taking care of my pets. In and out they go ten times a day. I have to go and find them if they don't come back. This takes time away, but I love my pets so I don't consider it a bad thing. I spend a lot of time driving to the next town for groceries. It took three hours the last time I went. That is something I could do with a lot less. I drive every two weeks for an hour to my acupuncturist. This in one thing that I can not do with out. Dr. Randy helps manage my pain from RA. Wham...there goes another day.
You know if I had stayed on that diet I keep starting, I would have lost a lot of weight by now.Some days I exercise, but not for as long as I should. I seem to be a little ADD. Life distracts me in a good way. I can't stand the way I keep blowing it off by my so called busy life. Ha! Why is it that I am a lot less productive in the winter months? I spend very little time on the phone, but I do spend time scrap booking and on photography. I spend a lot of time washing clothes. Why? I don't know how two people can have so much laundry, but we do.
I spend two hours a week in church and sunday school. Yes, I did finally find a church to attend. I spend two hours a month getting my hair done. I watch some TV at night like Lost and NCIS. I change the litter box that doesn't take too long. I feed the cats food and water seems like everyday because the dog eats their food. I do a little house work. And yet some how nothing ever really gets done or when it is done, it doesn't stay done for very long.
I guess I ponder things a lot and wonder about how things work. Maybe, I just think too much. When I don't feel good I spend time in my Hubs chair with the heating pad. When my sister is here we do things together. I have not given a very good accouting of my time.
Maybe I move slower than I use to move. Maybe, I am not as motivated as I once was. I want to start volunteering at place in town that feeds the hungry folks and senior citizens. I am going to have to put it in higher gear if I am going to get anything done. Why do I get so much more done in the Spring and Summer? Hmmmm...I'll think about this some more and will have to get back to you on it later. OK, I have rambled on enough. Ya'll take care now.
There are so many things left that I want to do and I find myself falling way short on accomplishing them. I am guessing you know what I do with some of my time? BLOGGING...I spend too much time reading blogs. Some days I spend a couple of hours reading them and drinking my morning coffee. My writing has been slow to come and I don't feel like I have much to say right now. My writing comes and goes. Some times my thoughts are too personal to even write them.
During this time of reflection, I find that while I enjoy my blog friends greatly, a lot of things go undone and I spend a lot of time playing catch up. I work part time as a floral designer and it goes with out saying that this week is a very busy time for me. I love working as much as I enjoy blogging. So that is the second most time consuming thing I do. What about the rest of the day you might ask? You know it takes a lot of time to swallow medicine and vitamins. I do that twice a day. I have tea in the afternoon around three. Ironing takes up some time too.
I spend a lot of time taking care of my pets. In and out they go ten times a day. I have to go and find them if they don't come back. This takes time away, but I love my pets so I don't consider it a bad thing. I spend a lot of time driving to the next town for groceries. It took three hours the last time I went. That is something I could do with a lot less. I drive every two weeks for an hour to my acupuncturist. This in one thing that I can not do with out. Dr. Randy helps manage my pain from RA. Wham...there goes another day.
You know if I had stayed on that diet I keep starting, I would have lost a lot of weight by now.Some days I exercise, but not for as long as I should. I seem to be a little ADD. Life distracts me in a good way. I can't stand the way I keep blowing it off by my so called busy life. Ha! Why is it that I am a lot less productive in the winter months? I spend very little time on the phone, but I do spend time scrap booking and on photography. I spend a lot of time washing clothes. Why? I don't know how two people can have so much laundry, but we do.
I spend two hours a week in church and sunday school. Yes, I did finally find a church to attend. I spend two hours a month getting my hair done. I watch some TV at night like Lost and NCIS. I change the litter box that doesn't take too long. I feed the cats food and water seems like everyday because the dog eats their food. I do a little house work. And yet some how nothing ever really gets done or when it is done, it doesn't stay done for very long.
I guess I ponder things a lot and wonder about how things work. Maybe, I just think too much. When I don't feel good I spend time in my Hubs chair with the heating pad. When my sister is here we do things together. I have not given a very good accouting of my time.
Maybe I move slower than I use to move. Maybe, I am not as motivated as I once was. I want to start volunteering at place in town that feeds the hungry folks and senior citizens. I am going to have to put it in higher gear if I am going to get anything done. Why do I get so much more done in the Spring and Summer? Hmmmm...I'll think about this some more and will have to get back to you on it later. OK, I have rambled on enough. Ya'll take care now.
Monday, February 8, 2010
The Queen's Meme #24~The CIrcus Meme
Looking for new dungeon dwellers. Will you be next?
Monday, February 8, 2010
The Queen's Meme #24 ~ The Circus Meme
Welcome to the Queen's Meme #24.
Sometimes silly. Sometimes serious.
Always fun!
Step out of the box. Be creative.
Use your imagination.No one's answers are quite like yours.
It's time for the circus. We are all going!
Fun for the whole family, right? Hmmm....depends on your taste. Whether you're a fan of circus tricks, sweaty animals in a ring, fire breathers and bearded ladies or you find it all just a wee bit offensive, never let it be said that memers in blogland have no opinions on the matter. Whatever your preference, these photos leave much to the imagination and could be explained in a variety of ways. I found some amazing lithographs from the early 1900s depicting the Greatest Show on Earth and some from Cirque du Soleil. Back in the day when the circus was the circus instead of a commercial fest and a legal team from PETA standing behind each elephant.
This is your task.
I've provided ten pictures from the wonderful public domain land of Wikimedia.org.
Your job is to caption them.
Use humor, satire, serious commentary, personal recollections of your own circus experiences or just plain silliness...I'm sure you can find something to write about that will make us laugh, cry, or think.
I warn you though. This picture meme isn't as easy as it looks.
Let's get started.
The Circus Meme
Look at the flying trapeze artists. What are they saying?
Welcome to the greatest show on Earth! Come one come all to the greatest show of all.
1.
I told you not to eat that heavy lunch!
I don't think I can catch you.
2.
OK big guys... pull over for a ticket. You are a moving violation.3.
Is that boy a dragon? I thought you were suppose to light the tiki torch?
4.
What are you folks doing? and why?5.
Let me out of here..he scares me!
6..
Grampa! How many times do I have to tell you to stop jumping through the hoops?7.
Junior! I told you to hang up the ladder in the garage.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
What a game! I am so happy that my team won finally after all these years. What else can I say? Let the party begin. What a day for New Orleans and Louisiana and all dem Saints fans.
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Queen's Meme #23~ The Blog Blizzard Meme
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Queen's Meme #23 ~ The Blog Blizzard Meme
Welcome to The Queen's Tuesday Meme #23
Sometimes silly. Sometimes serious.
Always fun!
Step out of the box. Be creative.
Use your imagination.No one's answers are quite like yours.
The Queen's Meme #23 ~ The Blog Blizzard Meme
Baby, it's cold outside! I have snow on the brain and ice on the windshield. Ten and twenty degree temperatures doth not a happy Queen make. But I have plans to keep warm, that is, unless the power fails in which case I'm doomed. I really am in the midst of a snowstorm this week but many of you are not. You must get creative and use your imagination. It's a blog blizzard! I'm here to test your survival skills or at least make you laugh. Here's how it plays. Good luck
1. An unexpected blizzard occurs. The power goes out for 10 days. There is no food in the house, no gas in the car, no heat, no TV, no computer, nada! You are snowed in and can't get to the store for supplies. How would you survive? How would you get out of this mess?
Haven't you ever heard of the expression "always be prepared"? Ten days, no problem...been there done that and got a T-shirt! Though it is not fun after the first week. Don't your neighbors all have four wheel drive? And generators?
2. Tell us about your last snowball fight.
I always get clobbered in a snowball fight. It was with my kids and it was loads of fun. I lost...
3. You have been asked to make a snowman. What is his name?
3. You have been asked to make a snowman. What is his name?
His name is Earl. Why do you ask?
4. I have mountains of snow outside my door. I would like to make snow soup. What is the recipe?
4. I have mountains of snow outside my door. I would like to make snow soup. What is the recipe?
I am not so sure about the recipe for snow soup, but I imagine it takes a ton of snow. I do have the recipe for snow ice cream. Let me know if you want that one.
5. It is Day 5 of the Big Blog Blizzard. You have been hunkered down for a very long time and in danger of losing your sanity. Your blog neighbors (that would be us) come callin' to see if you're OK. We peek in the window. What do we see?
What are you doing in there?
You might laugh when you peek through the window because I am dancing by myself, singing and laughing. I am also playing with my dogs and just a hair short of loosing my mind from cabin fever. I think my name is Pam...
5. It is Day 5 of the Big Blog Blizzard. You have been hunkered down for a very long time and in danger of losing your sanity. Your blog neighbors (that would be us) come callin' to see if you're OK. We peek in the window. What do we see?
What are you doing in there?
You might laugh when you peek through the window because I am dancing by myself, singing and laughing. I am also playing with my dogs and just a hair short of loosing my mind from cabin fever. I think my name is Pam...
6. Who is the flakiest snowflake in your life?
Past or present?
Do you have to ask? Why me of course! Past and present.
7. You are Snow White. Which dwarf is your favorite and why?
7. You are Snow White. Which dwarf is your favorite and why?
My favorite dwarf is Doc because that is my Hubs' nickname, but I also like Happy!
8. What is the most fun you've ever had inside during a snowstorm?
Mmmmm....I'm not telling....it was really good, very good. NO wait, it was fantastic! But I am not telling. It was a private moment.
9. What was Jack Frost nipping at?
I bet you thought I would say my nose, but Jack actually prefers my neck.
10. Due to blobal warming (that's blog + global for all you non-blog speakers) your snowman has prematurely melted. What was his last request?
10. Due to blobal warming (that's blog + global for all you non-blog speakers) your snowman has prematurely melted. What was his last request?
"Please don't forget me... I will see you again next year. Oooohhhh, I am melting away slowly as we speak. I call out, "Earl, I will miss you my friend".
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