Thursday, March 3, 2011

Facing my fear

Overcoming my fears is something I never thought I could do. In the past, I have overcome my fear of flying. Check that off the list. I am not saying that I am a frequent flyer, but I have been able to get on that giant plane and fly by myself.

In therapy this week, we had a really good session. I think I really surprised her when I told her all the things I had done last week. The gun safety class was the biggest fear that I overcame last week end. My therapist and her husband shoot competition archery. One common denominator is we both like to watch Top Shot on TV. My shooting will be simply for fun and practice to improve my aim.

Another biggy for me is to eat out in a restaurant alone. I have a phobia about eating out by myself. Pretty soon you will know more than you care to know about me. Yikes...Out of the blue I wanted Mexican food. I went to a new place that I had not been and ate lunch by myself. The food was not very good so I didn't stay long. The important thing is that I did it.

Another accomplishment is I bought a new chest of drawers. In my former home, I had the most lovely closet system, then we moved and I had nothing to use. Hubs has his own dresser. I have been using a shelf in the closet for my things. I guess I am a slow learner since it has taken me two years to realize that is what I needed. felt great to get it all organized and in place. I like my closet better without all of the messy stuff.

I tend to let hubs do anything I don't know how to do on the computer. The other night I was determined to send my pictures from my computer to be developed. It took me forever to get them selected and loaded. I did that only to get confused at how to do pay pal. Seems we live so deep in the country that they could not recognize our address. I felt the pang of defeat and left it until the next day. This time I payed directly to the store and had to go pick them up. Next time I will figure out how to have them delivered to my home.

Along with that I scrap booked all 116 photos. I still have some finishing touches to do, but I completed my mission. Geeze...I am starting to call myself an over achiever. LOL! Not really. But all in all it felt good to be on a roll again.

On a good note, I committed to joining Anytime Fitness for two years. My home gym was just not making it for me. I also committed to two days of the week with my trainer. Writing that check was hard to do. I know I am committed now to getting healthy. I bought some new exercise shoes and clothes as well. It helps when your clothes fit right and not so baggy. Wednesday,I had a great session with my trainer, Kristen.

With all of the positives this last week and getting out of my comfort zone I had a set back with my food. I have been craving sweets and indulging in them. I do OK for three or four days and then it hits me...I want something sweet. Argh...The struggle is so overwhelming and I lost the battle. The hardest part for me is to not beat myself up. I am trying to change my whole outlook about food. Letting go of things that don't work and adding it new alternatives.

My therapist brought up an interesting fact. She said that when I get out of my comfort zone, I go back to my old way of comforting myself and that is with food. I hate that I can control so much of my life in many areas, except food. I am learning a new mantra from my dietitian. I did not become this way over night. It will take a while to learn to eat healthy. So I am going to stop beating my head up against the wall. I am focusing on one day at a time. I am afraid of personal success and I use food to undermine myself.

You know this whole thing has been a challenge for me. So much to take in and process. I hope you don't think I am selfish because all I write about is this. This is the first time in my life that I have concentrated on myself. And it feels awkward to say the least. But here I am sharing all of this with you. Thank you for listening to me. I found out that it is OK to be myself.

It is going to be hard to top this week. Next week I concentrate on getting the house clean as a whistle for when our son and his family come to visit on the 19TH. I still have plenty of phobias to over come. Like the dentist. Shudder... that creeps me out to have to go to this dentist so I am changing to a kinder more gentler one. I decided that I do have choices...


Xmichra said...

WOW pam!! That is a lot in one week!!! And don't beat yourself up over food, you are changing so much that something has GOT to give! And we're human!!! The point is to not let that wreak havok on all the positive things you have been doing!! it's not the end all and be all of things that will happen!!

You rock Pam, kudos for taking charge!!

Finding Pam said...

Xmichra, you are so supportive of me and I really appreciate it. You are doing such an amazing job with your weight loss.

Thank you so much for the encouragement because I really needed to hear that tonight.

Hugs to you.

jennifer said...

Pam I am just so proud of all that you accomplished in a week. Joining a gym would be a HUGE step for me - I know it is going to bless you.


Chickie said...

Dang, Pam! I'm proud of you! :) You've taken a lot of new steps in a short period of time!

"I did not become this way overnight." I so hear you on this one...I'm starting the Medifast diet on Monday because I'm just not doing it well on my own.

Finding Pam said...

Jennifer, thank you so much for having confidence in me. My home gym is not very inviting and my trainer is so positive.

I look back five short years ago and can't believe the things I can't do anymore. So it is going to be a challenge.

Chickie, I hope you loose it and keep it off. You are so young to have to worry about your weight. You are so beautiful just the way you are.

Your story sounds so much like mine. Some how I dieted my way to this size. Looking back I thought I was fat and really was not.

You can do it. You have such great motivation to loose that little bit of weight.

Hugs to you my dear Chickie.

Just Be Real said...

Pam you are such an encouragement to me. Your comments to me are always looked forward to.

I am so very proud of your accomplishments this week and I am glad you had a good session.


Finding Pam said...

JBR, I have to say that your journey inspires me so much as do your comments.

Thank you for always being so positive.

Blessings to you.

sarah said...

wish you could see my thumbs up to you Pam...and hear my shouts of you're awesome....with every fear I world expands. Your journey inspires me..your bravery....your your corner always....cheering you on.

Rudee said...

I'm amazed at what you were able to pack into a week. Good luck with your fitness program! I'm sure that if you attack it like you've been attacking the other things that make you uncomfortable, you'll be fit in no time.

And your blog? It's supposed to be about you. I

barefoot gardener said...

WOOT! You go, girl! You are an awesome powerhouse!

Finding Pam said...

Sarah, thank you so much for being such a good cheer leader to me. That affirmation is something I never received as a child so it is hard to accept.

Facing my fears is a challenge for me. I am tired of living my life in fear. One day at a time.

And yes I can imagine your thumbs up and your cheering. You are so kind.

Rudee, I appreciate that comment about my blog seing about me. Something I am not use to...anything being about me. I always felt invisible as a child.

I am feeling so much better since I started out with my trainer in Jan. Everything is in order now and I am putting one foot in front of the other to become a healthy person.

Finding Pam said...

Barefoot Gardener, What a nice surprise to see a comment from you. Thank you for the comment.

Akelamalu said...

You should be very proud of yourself Pam, you have achieved so much already and I have no doubt you will achieve all your goals. Well done!

The Bear's Blog said...

Hi Pam,

Oh my goodness, you have accomplished so much in such a short period of time. Look at you! WOW.

On your "I AM" list, I would put #2 - BRAVE. Followed only by BLESSINGS.

Blessings sweet friend, heaps of blessings.


Oh no - here comes trouble - Prudence...

Oh Miss Pam, you are amazing. To meet fears takes much courage and faith. Don't listen to her, I am not always about "trouble", besides, there is good trouble and bad trouble. I'm a good kinda trouble gal. (o:

Heaps of Hugs

Finding Pam said...

Akelamula, Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I hope I continue to grow and challenge myself.

Joyce, @The Bear's Blog, You are so kind to me, my friend. I appreciate it so much. Prudence, good kind of trouble? I like that, but does mom know?

bettygram said...

I like the way you are working on the problems you have. Weight loss is so hard.

The Bear's Blog said...

Oh, she knows. When all is said and done - she tells me that her life would be dull without me and that she does and always will "love me to pieces".

The word "pieces" makes me a wee bit nervous since I am made of many pieces. And when I am really out of control she shows me her seam ripper. Oh boy - that takes the mischief out of my sails.

Heaps of Hugs

Finding Pam said...

Betty, It is wonderful to see a comment from you. I hope that you are doing well and not having to shuffel mountains of snow.

Prudence, so you are the bear that rules Mom's life. I would try to get that seam ripper sometimes and hide it.

Big Hugs to you.

Travis Cody said...

Well done, my dear. I hope you are proud of yourself.

Enjoy the progress, and build on it.

Finding Pam said...

Travis, I am just a little bit proud. I am a work in progress.

Thank you, sir.

Ferd said...

Great accomplishments!
I have a daughter who has a great deal of anxiety, which to me is the same as fear. She's been that way since at least the 1st grade. that's when I remember recognizing it for the first time. I give her all sorts of credit because of all the things she has accomplished in her 29 years. It is ten times harder for her, but she does it anyway.
Good for you, too!
LOVED the post!

Finding Pam said...

Ferd, your daughter is awesome to have managed her anxiety. Mine started later in life. I admire anyone that can control their fears. It is so very real when it is happening to you.

Thank you Ferd for the comment. It is much appreciated.

Melissa said...

I know you wrote this about a month ago, but I am still so very excited for you!Wow! So many things you have to be proud of.

Finding Pam said...

Melissa, Thank you so very much.