Facing my fear

Overcoming my fears is something I never thought I could do. In the past, I have overcome my fear of flying. Check that off the list. I am not saying that I am a frequent flyer, but I have been able to get on that giant plane and fly by myself.

In therapy this week, we had a really good session. I think I really surprised her when I told her all the things I had done last week. The gun safety class was the biggest fear that I overcame last week end. My therapist and her husband shoot competition archery. One common denominator is we both like to watch Top Shot on TV. My shooting will be simply for fun and practice to improve my aim.


Another biggy for me is to eat out in a restaurant alone. I have a phobia about eating out by myself. Pretty soon you will know more than you care to know about me. Yikes...Out of the blue I wanted Mexican food. I went to a new place that I had not been and ate lunch by myself. The food was not very good so I didn't stay long. The important thing is that I did it.


Another accomplishment is I bought a new chest of drawers. In my former home, I had the most lovely closet system, then we moved and I had nothing to use. Hubs has his own dresser. I have been using a shelf in the closet for my things. I guess I am a slow learner since it has taken me two years to realize that is what I needed. Anyway...it felt great to get it all organized and in place. I like my closet better without all of the messy stuff.



I tend to let hubs do anything I don't know how to do on the computer. The other night I was determined to send my pictures from my computer to be developed. It took me forever to get them selected and loaded. I did that only to get confused at how to do pay pal. Seems we live so deep in the country that they could not recognize our address. I felt the pang of defeat and left it until the next day. This time I payed directly to the store and had to go pick them up. Next time I will figure out how to have them delivered to my home.


Along with that I scrap booked all 116 photos. I still have some finishing touches to do, but I completed my mission. Geeze...I am starting to call myself an over achiever. LOL! Not really. But all in all it felt good to be on a roll again.

On a good note, I committed to joining Anytime Fitness for two years. My home gym was just not making it for me. I also committed to two days of the week with my trainer. Writing that check was hard to do. I know I am committed now to getting healthy. I bought some new exercise shoes and clothes as well. It helps when your clothes fit right and not so baggy. Wednesday,I had a great session with my trainer, Kristen.


With all of the positives this last week and getting out of my comfort zone I had a set back with my food. I have been craving sweets and indulging in them. I do OK for three or four days and then it hits me...I want something sweet. Argh...The struggle is so overwhelming and I lost the battle. The hardest part for me is to not beat myself up. I am trying to change my whole outlook about food. Letting go of things that don't work and adding it new alternatives.


My therapist brought up an interesting fact. She said that when I get out of my comfort zone, I go back to my old way of comforting myself and that is with food. I hate that I can control so much of my life in many areas, except food. I am learning a new mantra from my dietitian. I did not become this way over night. It will take a while to learn to eat healthy. So I am going to stop beating my head up against the wall. I am focusing on one day at a time. I am afraid of personal success and I use food to undermine myself.


You know this whole thing has been a challenge for me. So much to take in and process. I hope you don't think I am selfish because all I write about is this. This is the first time in my life that I have concentrated on myself. And it feels awkward to say the least. But here I am sharing all of this with you. Thank you for listening to me. I found out that it is OK to be myself.


It is going to be hard to top this week. Next week I concentrate on getting the house clean as a whistle for when our son and his family come to visit on the 19TH. I still have plenty of phobias to over come. Like the dentist. Shudder... that creeps me out to have to go to this dentist so I am changing to a kinder more gentler one. I decided that I do have choices...