My sister

Over the years, one of my greatest concerns has been my sister, Candy. Some of you know that she struggles with depression and know that I went and got her and her cat a few years back. She lived with us in our travel trailer for over a year. Over time, she improved and got back to her old self. Feeling confident that she could make it on her own, we moved her belongings back to Louisiana.

She seemed to flourish at first, but gradually she reverted back to the way she was before I went and got her. She is a lovely woman, but is some what unique in how she lives her life. I have tried to understand her, but nothing has prepared me for how sick she really is. She is a hoarder. Her son and his family have tried to help her with no avail, so have I, but she goes back to that place where I guess she feels comfortable.

She left some of her stuff at my house and after a year, I decided to take it to her home yesterday. My husband and I loaded up my Toyota Tundra truck with all of her stuff. I stopped off at Ruston, La. to pick up our youngest son, Hunter, as he was going to help me unload all of her belongings.

Candy has been in bed for over three months. I know she is in pain. I understand that all too well. Her sleep hygiene is all messed up. I ask her to get up and go to lunch with us. All she could say was that she hurt too much and besides it would take her 1 1/2 hours to wash her hair and get ready. All I could say was "You have to be kidding me.?"

There is nothing I would not do or have not done for Candy. I love her very much. I can't understand how or why she chooses to live this way. It makes me sick to my stomach. I am out of ideas and don't know what else we can do for her. I repeatedly ask her "Are you OK?" She nods yes. This is not how normal people live is it?

Her home was in disarray and the smell was horrible. I could not stand the smell and stayed outside. This is the worst I have seen her home. I think she uses this to alienate herself from others. Her family can't visit her at her home. I know that is not the point, but she doesn't want to visit them. Her grand kids are her life.

She looked like the living dead. Her hair was twisted, dirty and looked like a bird's nest. Her poor cat is the same way. I don't know how to help her. Her DIL called me last night. They had stopped by to see Hunter at the fire station. He must have said something to them. I haven't been able to process all of this. I was going to wait a few days until I called them. They are aware of the situation. They are stumped as well. I don't have any ideas as to what we should do for her. Or even if we should try?

I guess what I am asking for is prayers for Candy. If you have any solutions please let me know. I am at a loss for answers. Should I even try to help her? or leave her alone?

RA

If you remember when I went for my initial exam with my new RA doctor, he did not believe I had RA. He confirmed that I had Fibromyalgia. He put me on Neurotin for the pain. It did not help any and some how my pain was worse. Once again I had an upset stomach and felt awful. I went back to the doctor a month later for a check up only to hear the blood test results. The test results was reactive for RA. It has set me back a little to know I have it. He made a change in my medicine and put me on Cymbalta(the generic)for my pain.

Since starting this new medication, I am once again not been sleeping, my stomach is killing me, my feet are like ice and I sweat profusely. It does alleviate my pain, but I am wondering if the side effects will go away in time, or if they don't is it worth it to feel so bad. I am cranky from the lack of sleep. But I keep on doing all that I can to go forward.

I am not going to let any of this define me. I am trying to live as normal a life as I can, or should I say as I feel like it. There are days where I am no good to anyone. I am going to exercise and it helps me so much. Nothing taste good and I am nauseous. I am trying to embrace it. Thinking I may loose some weight. I keep telling myself that I will do anything to loose weight and to be pain free. I have lost weight and it is a good start to inspire me to go further.

My spirit is a little low and I do not feel well. Nor did I want to share this with you all. I sincerely appreciate all of your well wishes and support. Some times I feel bad for not having anything good to write about. Therefor I don't write. Sometimes I can't put a thought together and nothing makes much sense to me.

I am through with my complaining. Thank you for listening. I will keep you posted on my progress. Love you all.

I'm still here

I've been a little under the weather. Still sick from medicines. I will be back when I feel better. I didnt want to to write about this.
I hope everyone is doing well.

Big hugs and lots of love.
Pam

An aha moment

Today I made a huge break through in my therapy. It made me cry. Not much makes me cry, but today was the first time I cried in front of my therapist. What would make me cry?

It starts with my half sister, Sharon. Recently, she and I have reconnected. I really value her friendship. I want to protect that friendship as well. As a child, I did not get to have a loving family. There was no trust and I could never depend on my family. This is a basic need that every child should experience. I can not relate to having a father around. I don't even understand that sort of relationship. I see women who adore their dads and I am clueless as to what that must feel like. The life I knew was not like most families. I would not even know what a normal family was like. As far as I knew, our life was normal. That is really a joke when I think about it.

I didn't realize what I missed out on as a child. Yes, I knew things were different. Life was hard. Getting to know Sharon has been such a blessing. She is so kind and sweet to me. She doesn't have to be, but she is. I love her for that. I know she loves me, too. I want to protect that relationship. To safe guard it. It is precious to me. The thought of ever hurting her makes me sad.

Candy, my sister, remembers so much more about our life before our parents divorced. I have blocked out a lot of the pain. I guess it is a way to protect myself from the memories and from the ugly truth. What am I afraid of? I am afraid that my sister will tell her bad things about our dad to our half sister. I can't believe I would even suggest that she would do that, but I am afraid that she would. Sharon, our half sister feels great sorrow for what we went through. I can tell it bothers her. She is very compassionate.

We are more alike than my sister, Candy and I are. While Sharon says that Kenny, one of her brothers, is probably like Candy. They are both quite and retrospective while Sharon and I are eternal optimists and happy people. Sharon is very generous in spirit. She tells me that I am like our father. I like knowing that she can see some of the good traits in me that our father had.

What made my cry was the thought of Sharon ever being hurt. I don't want her to know anything bad about our father. She had him all of her life. It is bittersweet. She ask me did I ever wonder if momma and daddy had never divorced what our lives might have been like? Then she said she would not have been born if my parents had not divorced. It is bittersweet. I am thankful that she had a good childhood with two parents that loved her dearly. Something I will never understand what that feels like. It makes me really sad to have missed out on having a family.

Have you ever seen an orphaned kitty or puppy? The little kitten or puppy missed out on being fully loved, socialized and connected. I see that with this little kitten that we adopted. Her momma was trying to move the three little kittens as cats often do before their eyes are opened. My kitten was found in the shrubs and the other two kittens died. Her eyes were not even opened. A woman found this little kitten, she bottle fed it, loved it, but it was not the same as having her real momma. I see Baby, our little kitten, still trying to nurse on our comforter, she goes through the motions even when she is drinking water with her paws motioning on the floor like she is nursing. She is so pitiful. It pains me to see her like that. My other two cats have taken her under their wings. They have shown her things like how to play and catch things. She lacks in ways that most would not perceive or understand. I understand it all too well.

While others tried to love me I always felt incomplete. Seems like every time we got a new step dad that they didn't hang around very long. As a little child, there was no safety. No security...No one to trust. No one kept their promises. Disappointment one after the other is all I ever knew. It is hard to learn new things when you are guarded and expecting someone to hurt you, someone to leave you. Hardest of all was feeling like our father did not want us. Yep, this was all to normal for me and my sister.

Today, I realized...I don't even know if I can aptly describe it, but... Sharon loves me and does not have to love me. That is huge to have someone love me unconditionally. I never felt that before and it confused me at first...then it hit me. I am thankful for my half sister and I am so glad that she came into my life. I cherish her.

While I love my sister, Candy. Our past is sealed with sorrow, and pain. It is different having Sharon as a sister because she is well adjusted and was loved. It shows in her life. As for me...I am like that little kitten, I had to substitute different things in my life to survive. Be it food, self hate, low self esteem, and many other self defeating attitudes. I didn't have a family to nurture me, or to show me the way. Even through this break through, I am OK. I am better able to understand where some of my behaviors come from. I am not sure if any of this makes sense, but I hope you get it.

Cats and things

What is it about cats that gives them such a sense of entitlement? Why do cats walk right over you when you are sleeping rather than going around you? This morning one of my cats, Bruno, starts walking all over me. He wants me to get up. Come on? It is too early for that. He is so persistent. He does not give up and yes, he is still walking on me. Some times he likes to sit on top of me. This happens every morning. He is my alarm cat. Cats will not be ignored. They definitely won't go away when you want them to. I love my cats and they bring a lot of joy and laughter to me. They are so stubborn when it comes to something they want. Oh, joy! Having cats is like having little kids again. No coffee first thing in the morning. Nope, they have to be fed. All of this meowing and crying for their canned food. You would think it was their last meal. The crying gets louder and louder as we approach the floor. They are telling me to hurry because they are starving? Good Grief! Alright, I have fed them. Now I have to let the dogs out for their business. Wait on the dogs then feed them. They are much more patient than cats. They appreciate the nice things I do for them. Not the cats. So I get my cup of coffee and head to the computer to read the news, and catch up on all my blogs. The cats follow me. One is in the chair next to me, one sits by the computer and another is on the table with me. I never lack for company. My cats follow me from room to room. I can't even go to the bathroom by myself. I feel like I have little kids again. What's the fascination with the toilet? I love how cats always look so cool even when they have a misstep. One of my cats adores the garden tub. She runs full speed and jumps on the edge of the tub. Sometimes she slips, but she always looks cool. They have such dignity. I guess if I live to be one-hundred years old, I might begin to understand cats. Oh how I wish they could really talk and tell me just what they are thinking. Wouldn't that be an interesting conversation?

Happy Birthday, Patrick

This is my great nephew, Patrick. In this photo he was dressed up for Wild West days at school. Today he turns six years old. He is really special to me. I love him so much. Here he is in his room. He plays the drums and keyboard. He has been doing that for about three years or more. He is just incredibly smart and caring. He is very in tune with other people's feelings and never wants to leave anyone out. I really like this about my great-nephew. This is Patrick in his T ball uniform. He is a great little athlete. He can hit and throw the ball really good for a little kid. Another reason I love him.

But what makes him so special to me is that he was born on my birthday. We have a connection. He is turning six and I am turning sixty-one. It doesn't matter that I am fifty-five years older than him. He loves me just because and I think he is fantastic.

I am thankful that he has two wonderful parents and the cutest little sister ever. He has the best Granny (my sister). He also has the best Papaw and memaw, too. He is surrounded by love and his world is full of possibilities. I can't wait to see what he does in life.

Happy Sixth Birthday, Patrick.

Closets, and stuff

I guess I have writer's block. Maybe blogs block is more appropriate. I have heard that to keep writing one has to write every day. I did when I first created my blog, but as the years go by I seem to have less and less to say. Does anyone ever have that happen to them? In an effort to get back to blogging I am going to write what ever comes to mind.

The last few days I have been busy sorting and de-cluttering the guest bedrooms. When our son and his family stopped by en route to Alabama, I had all of my Christmas decorations still out because I was going to give them to our youngest son as well as the oldest. I couldn't stand the mess any longer, so I emptied the third bedroom closet and once again moved all of the decorations to that closet. This makes at least three maybe four times that I have moved that stuff since we moved here two years ago. I am tired of it all.

What I did was to move a stainless steel shelf into the closet that once had the Christmas decorations. That was in the exercise/craft room. I wanted to organize my scrap booking and card making supplies in a more useful way. So it is the only closet that looks good. Bedrooms three and four's closets are filled to the brim. No use even trying to use the closet for anything else especially not clothes. There is simply no room.

I loaded the folding chairs, old tax preparations from previous years, fall decorations, and who knows what else is in there in the fourth bedroom. I still do not have the amount of storage that I had in my former home. There was a place for every thing. So it looks like I will have to sort out more stuff and find a new home for it all.

I have a couple of boxes of crocheted items that were my grand mother's and my mother's crochet as well. I have organized them by how much I adore them. My favorite ones I can't part with, but some of it I am ready to let go. Next time I get the boxes out, I will take pictures of it. Maybe some one will want it.

I can only take so much clutter especially without a place for it to be stored in. I know it sounds funny that clutter drives me insane. It does and that is how I have always been. Now my sister can't let go of anything. I do have some emotional attachments for things that belonged to my family. Of course I still have some of our kids stuff, but I have packed their boxes and it is time for them to take care of it. That is what I took out of the closets. Ha. Ha. Ha. Time to pass it on.

Well that is it for today. I hope you have a lovely Sunday. We have been working on the garden and yard. The weather is so beautiful. I planted some planters today, and worked on the deck.

What I have been up to

I have messed up the html and can't figure out how to get my paragraphs back to normal. So for now I guess this is what I have to offer you...the longest paragraph. Any ideas will be greatly appreciated. I have tried going back into html several times. I guess you could say that I over came this fear. We got it last year, but I have been to scared to try it out. I like to mow and I figure it is a way that I can help Hubs right now. He is tractoring around and getting the garden prepared. I have not learned to drive the tractor either. You know why? You guessed it. I am too scared. I was pretty comfortable with the old riding mower. I am sure the more I drive it the better I will get a steering it. We have been buying fruit trees and spring flowers. Hubs planted two apple trees and a plum tree. He planted two pecan trees in February. He has planted two Camila's and a couple of azaleas. Today, we bought a mandarin orange tree. We are aiming to have enough fruit and nut trees to sustain us someday. I have been enjoying this beautiful weather. That is why I have not been posting very much lately. I am also cleaning up after our kids left. You know how that goes. Wash and lots of it. Sheets, blankets, towels and then a lot of cleaning. I forgot to mention that I had lunch with my half sister. We have just recently connected. I am enjoying getting to know her. She is so kind and very generous emotional to me with regards to my Daddy. Daddy abandoned my sister and me when I was nine years old. I did not have the heart to tell her of the things I knew about him. That doesn't matter to me because he passed a long time ago. I don't need to be hurtful. Sometimes the truth does hurt and telling it is not as important as becoming friends with her. My sister has not been able to meet us for lunch yet. I am hopeful that she will join us soon. Here are my latest note cards that I made for Melissa at Sugar filled emotions. Her blog is about diabetes, depression and the stuff of life. http://www.sugarfilledemotions.com/

I used my Crikut to make the script. Some days are just easier than others. I was glad I could use the machine. It is very tedious, triming the words and then gluing them down, but I like it.

Inside message

Inside of card

I have been up to a lot of nothing. Really... The last couple of days have been beautiful. Today, Hubs, taught me how to drive the new lawn mower. It is a zero radius turning riding mower. It's not at all like our former mower. He had me practice driving it for a bit and then he said it was time to mow. Yowza... this thing sure goes fast. It was hard to use the handles instead of foot brakes. I am sort of a klutz.

That is about it for now. I hope you have great day. More later.

What I have been doing